If you have read this blog, or known me, for any length of time, you will know that I have been battling with my weight for probably the last 7/8 years in the sense that I want to lose it and am finding it really difficult.
Over the many years, I have tried lots of different things to try and get there. 5:2 diet, Weight Watchers, Slimming World, Fasting, Starvation, self punishment for days where I over ate, vigorous over exercise (whilst still eating horrendously).... the list goes on. I always gave up. Either I didn't see the change fast enough, or I made excuses like I don't have the time, I don't have the money, I'm fine the way I am..... All the excuses and the only person I was screwing over was myself.
I know this won't be easy but this time, I am not giving up!
In the run up to my wedding and honeymoon, I was pretty good so that I felt good in my wedding dress and to be honest, I felt amazing on my wedding day and I love the photos of my dress. I don't see a fat girl in a dress - and usually I would be fulling photos of me apart, going over every little flaw.
But on the honeymoon, I indulged to the max and loved every minute of it. I am now the heaviest I've been in a long time and probably nearly the heaviest I have ever been. For health reasons and because Martin and I want to start trying for a family pretty soon, I know that I need to get my weight under control. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin but I also want to make sure that I am the healthiest/fittest I can be for when I start growing a human!!
So, in this day and age, where else would I go to do some research..... social media obviously. I have been following lots of women and their fitness journeys and seen some of them take on the 80 Day Obsession challenge. I messaged a few of them for some more details and got chatting to one amazing women quite regularly. I decided that after the honeymoon, I wanted to give it a try. So, she became my coach and I started the challenge....
What I love is that you can do them all inside your own home! No running out to the gym, no trying to fit travel to the gym around busy work schedule! Which is perfect, especially when term gets busy.
There is quite a bit to wrap your head around - one half of the program is all about timed nutrition. That is where I need to make sure that I am on point. Fitting in the correct meals at the correct times and around exercise.
Week 1 has been fantastic. I'm really grateful that I'm still on school holidays so I have had a lot of time to get my head around the nutrition plan and tried to fit my meals in the best way that I can. I've been looking at different recipes too, really excited to try them out!
I can't wait to see where this adventure takes me. 73 days to go!!!
Holiday Vibes
Sunday 26 August 2018
Wednesday 15 August 2018
After the celebrations..... Comes a whole lot of debt!
This post has been a few months in the making - so bare with me. I started writing it in May and have added to it over the last few months as things have changed and developed along the way.
When Martin and I first got engaged, we thought we would be able to keep the costs of our wedding low. We did a lot of the leg work ourselves and our families were AMAZING! They paid for some of the big stuff and A LOT of the small stuff. They made things, they searched the cheapest deals for various bits and bobs so that we didn't start our married life completely bankrupt.
Martin and I made the decision that we wanted to go all out for our honeymoon... well, because that's what you do, right? Right decision. We had the most amazing time. All inclusive, 10 nights, 5 star resort - we will never regret that decision but it did come with a big price tag that we now have to deal with.
However, we booked the honeymoon in January rather naively forgetting all the other wedding expenses that would mount up from then until the wedding, along with the monthly payments for the holiday. £300 on table centres..... sure!! £400 on party favours..... yep, go ahead!
Having spoken to other couples, it seems like it's a solid pattern that as the day approaches, the budget you planned flies out of the window as you buy things to make your day absolutely perfect. More outdoor lighting, more booze, extra of this and that just to make sure you don't run out. (Our venue didn't have a license to sell alcohol so we stocked the bar ourselves with the help of my parents and sister)..... and stocked it so well that we brought the left overs home and now have a sizable drinks cabinet!
When I started this blog entry in May, it was because I was completely overwhelmed with the amount of credit card debt I had.... still with over £2000 to pay off on the honeymoon and 2 months to go until the wedding (meaning quite a lot left still to buy and day to day living costs).
So, on May 20th I started this blog and started to plan paying all this debt off......
CC 1 (0% interest) - £2,612.79
CC 2 (0% interest) - £2,152.70
CC 3 - £2,103.63
Outstanding Honeymoon Balance - £2,307.22
Total Debt (on 20/5/18) - £9,176.34 (a really scary number which seems like a ridiculous amount to have to pay back before we can really think about saving for a house!)
We expected to have some debt coming out of the wedding and the fact that we have managed to keep it (just) under £10,000 for a wedding and a honeymoon actually wasn't too bad..... the fact that we had to put the majority of our wedding spending onto credit cards because of the speed in which we organised the wedding, has meant that almost all of my debt has appeared in the last 13 months.
We got engaged in June 2017 and got married in July 2018.... we planned and payed for our entire wedding and honeymoon in basically 12 months..... so actually not too bad considering but now, it's time to pay it off.
I have changed all my credit card repayments to the minimum monthly repayment amount (to make sure that I still have enough money going into my current account to pay for rent and bills). Once rent and bills have been payed for each month from now on, I will be making CC 3 the priority as it is gaining interest and both my other cards are not. I will be making extra payments onto the CC 3 whilst the other 2 cards just have the minimum payment coming off each month. Once CC 3 is cleared, I will then look at my other credit cards and prioritise which ever has the lowest amount left to pay and make extra payments onto that one.
I will sort of be following the Debt Avalanche model (thank you Pinterest) by prioritising the loan with the highest interest and getting it paid off as quickly as possible as well as paying off the minimum amount on other debts. This should allow me to pay off my debt quicker and pay less interest over all.
So, for now, my accounts are set up ready to go with steady repayments and I hanging on for payday so that I can breathe a little easier for the month of June.
June 2nd (After Pay Day)
CC 1 (0% interest) - £2,612.79
CC 2 (0% interest) - £2,131.17
CC 3 - £2,500.49
Outstanding Honeymoon Balance - £760.27
Total debt (on 31/5/18) - £8,009.72
I paid off £600 on my CC 3 but another installment of the honeymoon so that's why the number is still high. I got SUPER lucky this week though and won £500 on tombola arcade so that has gone straight to the honeymoon meaning that the final installment onto my credit card at the end of June will only be £760 instead of the £1200 it was meant to be. I couldn't believe it and £500 makes a big difference when you are strapped for cash like I am. I finally feel like the end is in sight though - I only have one (effectively half of one) installment left to go on the honeymoon, we don't really have anything left to buy for the wedding and every weekend in June we are volunteering at Cub/Beaver events so no spending for me which will really really help to keep costs down this month.
I'm really tired of being so stressed about money but I finally think we are starting to climb out of the worst of it!
June 5th
CC 1 (0% interest) - £2,612.79
CC 2 (0% interest) - £2,131.17
CC 3 - £3,260.76
Outstanding Honeymoon Balance - £0.00
Total debt (on 31/5/18) - £8,009.72
We had a look at our cards and our outstanding balance and made the decision to pay the final installment onto the credit card early. This should mean that any money left over from May paycheck and June can go towards clearing credit cards in the knowledge that the honeymoon is now totally paid for! This is a fantastic feeling! Knowing that one less payment is going out every month and it was a BIG installment every month. TOTALLY worth it because the honeymoon is exactly what we want but I think we were wishing we booked it a little earlier than we did to spread those installments out!
Still - 1 out of 4 outstanding balances say £0.00 and that is something to celebrate!
August 15th
CC 1 (0% interest) - £2,501.99
CC 2 (0% interest) - £2,088.76
CC 3 - £1,514.37
Total debt - £6,105.12
Inevitably, in the final run up to the wedding, CC 3 took a pounding and instead of paying it off, we had to charge things on it. I'm actually not sure what the highest figure on it was as I became less diligent in watching my balance (my focus was sort of distracted with the big white dress and everything.)
This is where our AMAZING friends came to the rescue! For our wedding list, we set up a honeymoon fund and we were blown away by how generous all of our friends were. We were able to withdraw £4,445 from our honeymoon account which meant that we could immediately pay off £2,900 on CC 3. We kept some of the money to use whilst on honeymoon and for the rest of our summer together. This means that CC 3 now has the lowest amount of money it has had on it in about 9 months. This is a fantastic feeling.
Now that the wedding and the honeymoon are over, we can actually go back to a normal level of expenditure which means that my repayments can actually go up - clearing it even faster. Still going to focus on clearing CC 3, as it's the one that has interest charges where as the other 2 are just ticking away on their minimum balances which is fine for now.
So that is where we are now. Having cleared £3,000 of debt since starting the blog is awesome. Now, I just need to keep chipping away at it. I know it won't be a quick process... but we'll get there.
When Martin and I first got engaged, we thought we would be able to keep the costs of our wedding low. We did a lot of the leg work ourselves and our families were AMAZING! They paid for some of the big stuff and A LOT of the small stuff. They made things, they searched the cheapest deals for various bits and bobs so that we didn't start our married life completely bankrupt.
Martin and I made the decision that we wanted to go all out for our honeymoon... well, because that's what you do, right? Right decision. We had the most amazing time. All inclusive, 10 nights, 5 star resort - we will never regret that decision but it did come with a big price tag that we now have to deal with.
However, we booked the honeymoon in January rather naively forgetting all the other wedding expenses that would mount up from then until the wedding, along with the monthly payments for the holiday. £300 on table centres..... sure!! £400 on party favours..... yep, go ahead!
Having spoken to other couples, it seems like it's a solid pattern that as the day approaches, the budget you planned flies out of the window as you buy things to make your day absolutely perfect. More outdoor lighting, more booze, extra of this and that just to make sure you don't run out. (Our venue didn't have a license to sell alcohol so we stocked the bar ourselves with the help of my parents and sister)..... and stocked it so well that we brought the left overs home and now have a sizable drinks cabinet!
When I started this blog entry in May, it was because I was completely overwhelmed with the amount of credit card debt I had.... still with over £2000 to pay off on the honeymoon and 2 months to go until the wedding (meaning quite a lot left still to buy and day to day living costs).
So, on May 20th I started this blog and started to plan paying all this debt off......
CC 1 (0% interest) - £2,612.79
CC 2 (0% interest) - £2,152.70
CC 3 - £2,103.63
Outstanding Honeymoon Balance - £2,307.22
Total Debt (on 20/5/18) - £9,176.34 (a really scary number which seems like a ridiculous amount to have to pay back before we can really think about saving for a house!)
We expected to have some debt coming out of the wedding and the fact that we have managed to keep it (just) under £10,000 for a wedding and a honeymoon actually wasn't too bad..... the fact that we had to put the majority of our wedding spending onto credit cards because of the speed in which we organised the wedding, has meant that almost all of my debt has appeared in the last 13 months.
We got engaged in June 2017 and got married in July 2018.... we planned and payed for our entire wedding and honeymoon in basically 12 months..... so actually not too bad considering but now, it's time to pay it off.
I have changed all my credit card repayments to the minimum monthly repayment amount (to make sure that I still have enough money going into my current account to pay for rent and bills). Once rent and bills have been payed for each month from now on, I will be making CC 3 the priority as it is gaining interest and both my other cards are not. I will be making extra payments onto the CC 3 whilst the other 2 cards just have the minimum payment coming off each month. Once CC 3 is cleared, I will then look at my other credit cards and prioritise which ever has the lowest amount left to pay and make extra payments onto that one.
I will sort of be following the Debt Avalanche model (thank you Pinterest) by prioritising the loan with the highest interest and getting it paid off as quickly as possible as well as paying off the minimum amount on other debts. This should allow me to pay off my debt quicker and pay less interest over all.
So, for now, my accounts are set up ready to go with steady repayments and I hanging on for payday so that I can breathe a little easier for the month of June.
June 2nd (After Pay Day)
CC 1 (0% interest) - £2,612.79
CC 2 (0% interest) - £2,131.17
CC 3 - £2,500.49
Outstanding Honeymoon Balance - £760.27
Total debt (on 31/5/18) - £8,009.72
I paid off £600 on my CC 3 but another installment of the honeymoon so that's why the number is still high. I got SUPER lucky this week though and won £500 on tombola arcade so that has gone straight to the honeymoon meaning that the final installment onto my credit card at the end of June will only be £760 instead of the £1200 it was meant to be. I couldn't believe it and £500 makes a big difference when you are strapped for cash like I am. I finally feel like the end is in sight though - I only have one (effectively half of one) installment left to go on the honeymoon, we don't really have anything left to buy for the wedding and every weekend in June we are volunteering at Cub/Beaver events so no spending for me which will really really help to keep costs down this month.
I'm really tired of being so stressed about money but I finally think we are starting to climb out of the worst of it!
June 5th
CC 1 (0% interest) - £2,612.79
CC 2 (0% interest) - £2,131.17
CC 3 - £3,260.76
Outstanding Honeymoon Balance - £0.00
Total debt (on 31/5/18) - £8,009.72
We had a look at our cards and our outstanding balance and made the decision to pay the final installment onto the credit card early. This should mean that any money left over from May paycheck and June can go towards clearing credit cards in the knowledge that the honeymoon is now totally paid for! This is a fantastic feeling! Knowing that one less payment is going out every month and it was a BIG installment every month. TOTALLY worth it because the honeymoon is exactly what we want but I think we were wishing we booked it a little earlier than we did to spread those installments out!
Still - 1 out of 4 outstanding balances say £0.00 and that is something to celebrate!
August 15th
CC 1 (0% interest) - £2,501.99
CC 2 (0% interest) - £2,088.76
CC 3 - £1,514.37
Total debt - £6,105.12
Inevitably, in the final run up to the wedding, CC 3 took a pounding and instead of paying it off, we had to charge things on it. I'm actually not sure what the highest figure on it was as I became less diligent in watching my balance (my focus was sort of distracted with the big white dress and everything.)
This is where our AMAZING friends came to the rescue! For our wedding list, we set up a honeymoon fund and we were blown away by how generous all of our friends were. We were able to withdraw £4,445 from our honeymoon account which meant that we could immediately pay off £2,900 on CC 3. We kept some of the money to use whilst on honeymoon and for the rest of our summer together. This means that CC 3 now has the lowest amount of money it has had on it in about 9 months. This is a fantastic feeling.
Now that the wedding and the honeymoon are over, we can actually go back to a normal level of expenditure which means that my repayments can actually go up - clearing it even faster. Still going to focus on clearing CC 3, as it's the one that has interest charges where as the other 2 are just ticking away on their minimum balances which is fine for now.
So that is where we are now. Having cleared £3,000 of debt since starting the blog is awesome. Now, I just need to keep chipping away at it. I know it won't be a quick process... but we'll get there.
Monday 11 June 2018
Separation anxiety in adults is real.... and it sucks!
I've been wanting to write a piece on this for a while now but it's taken some time to get up the courage to post it. So, good vibes only.
And just a small disclaimer that this post is based on my personal experience of Separation Anxiety only, and does not cover all symptoms/diagnoses or experiences.
Here goes....
When I was a child, I did not struggle with any sort of separation anxiety at all. I was never brilliant with goodbyes but many children struggle with that, it was nothing out of the ordinary. As a young adult, I was confident to leave the house, be away from my family, moved 250 miles away for university without a second thought. I didn't show any signs of any sort of separation anxiety at all!
If I am totally honest, I didn't even really know that adults could suffer from separation anxiety until I started presenting symptoms of it and becoming pretty unwell.
As I said, I can only base this on my experience and what I have read but for me, I can trace my anxiety back to a definite 'trauma point' when I started to experience really aggressive outbursts, rage, depression, intense jealousy and overwhelming anxiety in waves and cycles that was exhausting.
Martin went to Dallas for 10 days to watch Wrestlemania during the Easter holidays of 2016. Over that 10 days, I experienced one of the worst bouts of depression I can remember going through. I was just flat and vacant. I spent almost 4 days in bed with the curtains drawn, not sleeping, not eating, just panicking about what might be going on in Dallas. My mind created endless worst case scenarios that played on a loop in my head and even text messages from Martin didn't help. If anything, they made it worse, when he text I would become immediately, irrationally angry. I mean red mist furious, and unexplicably jealous of him being away, of him having fun without me, of him enjoying something that I had no way of being a part of..... and then I would feel so alone and sad and empty and guilty for my horrendous outbursts.
It wasn't until about a year later that I discovered that everything I has experienced were very common adults expressions of separation anxiety.
By definition separation anxiety, at its extreme levels, may be quite noticeable. Those with an overwhelming attachment to a close relative to the point where they cannot leave their side without experiencing a panic attack are very likely to be suffering from separation anxiety.
Now, I have never been this bad. I can leave Martin without having a panic attack. I can go to work, see family, go to the gym without really thinking about it. But there are certain situations where my anxiety takes over and can be very overwhelming.
I have definitely suffered many of the symptoms below, typical of those who suffer with ASAD (Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder)
This is something that is really hard to explain to people who have no experience of mental health issues. When I am in my rational mind, my day to day, everything is fine head, I know that I am being unfair and ridiculous. I also know that Martin is not going to leave me because we are getting married and we love each other and I trust him.
But when the panic sets in, it can be impossible to ignore the voices that take over inside my head. It can be a horrible, overwhelming, disorientating experience when a panic attack really takes hold and there isn't a lot anyone can do when it starts to take hold.
Martin has sat beside me on more than one occasion as I've gone through one and not been able to do anything but hold me until it passes.
Excessive worry about losing these figures.
Anxious, "worst case scenario" thinking about separation.
For me, these two go hand in hand. I am a real worse case scenario, what if worrier. When if an anxious frame of mind, especially if the separation has come out of the blue, like an unplanned 'oh, I'm off down the pub' when I haven't been given any notice of him going out, I will spend hours imagining the worst things that could happen to Martin or to me when we are apart. things including getting hurt, getting lost, kidnapping, getting caught in a terrorist attack, accidents... all sorts! It's exhausting and scary and once it starts, completely uncontrollable.
Trouble sleeping when away from a specific person.
This is so true. When we are apart, I really struggle to sleep. Even if I'm at home in our bed, I found it really tough to sleep without Martin next to me.
Since working out where my anxiety started, I have been able to try and control it to some extent with little routines that I have put it place when Martin goes out. I try to spend the time on self care now, so I'll paint my nails, wash my hair, spend time working on mindfulness colouring, meditate. Just spend time working on me and looking after me so that I'm not obsessing over the fact that Martin is away.
Martin has been amazing too, trying to make sure that he gives me lots of notice if he has plans so that I can either make plans of my own or make sure I have something to do at home to keep me busy - cue self care plans!
The actual anxiety attack is really hard to explain because I know how irrational it is but it's not something you can control.... and depending on how it comes I might become really angry and agitated and aggressive (my least favourite, because I don't feel anything like myself when that happens) or I become really low and despondent and almost shut down.... which can also be scary because I become really detached from the world around me and that harks back to other mental health issues that I have battled and beaten before.
I don't really know how all of that is going to come across to all of you reading this but this is something that is really close to my heart and something that I feel should have it's awareness raised.
I have been aware of my separation anxiety for about a year now but haven't really started speaking about it until the last few months because, basically, I feel really nervous that people would either tell me that I was being ridiculous and that it would colour their opinion of me. I don't want people to think that I'm a crazy, unstable person. I also suppose that I know how I think about myself for how I behave during an anxiety attack and I assume that other people will judge me the same or worse so it has sometimes been easier not to say anything and risk upsetting people.
In today's society, I think it is so important to embrace and accept other people's stories and experiences because you really don't know what is going in someone's head. Everyone is fighting their own battle and who are we to judge if someone else's is more or less than yours.
I hope that this blog post helps someone reading it to have the courage to speak up about something in their life that they are hiding. Since I started sharing my anxiety with friends and family, it has become so much easier to handle. I have been able to reach out to people when I felt the anxiety taking hold and not had to deal with it alone.
I think I just wanted to speak out about it. There is still so much stigma around mental health and actually feels really good share it. Who knows, maybe there is someone that is given courage or confidence from this post.
And just a small disclaimer that this post is based on my personal experience of Separation Anxiety only, and does not cover all symptoms/diagnoses or experiences.
Here goes....
When I was a child, I did not struggle with any sort of separation anxiety at all. I was never brilliant with goodbyes but many children struggle with that, it was nothing out of the ordinary. As a young adult, I was confident to leave the house, be away from my family, moved 250 miles away for university without a second thought. I didn't show any signs of any sort of separation anxiety at all!
If I am totally honest, I didn't even really know that adults could suffer from separation anxiety until I started presenting symptoms of it and becoming pretty unwell.
As I said, I can only base this on my experience and what I have read but for me, I can trace my anxiety back to a definite 'trauma point' when I started to experience really aggressive outbursts, rage, depression, intense jealousy and overwhelming anxiety in waves and cycles that was exhausting.
Martin went to Dallas for 10 days to watch Wrestlemania during the Easter holidays of 2016. Over that 10 days, I experienced one of the worst bouts of depression I can remember going through. I was just flat and vacant. I spent almost 4 days in bed with the curtains drawn, not sleeping, not eating, just panicking about what might be going on in Dallas. My mind created endless worst case scenarios that played on a loop in my head and even text messages from Martin didn't help. If anything, they made it worse, when he text I would become immediately, irrationally angry. I mean red mist furious, and unexplicably jealous of him being away, of him having fun without me, of him enjoying something that I had no way of being a part of..... and then I would feel so alone and sad and empty and guilty for my horrendous outbursts.
It wasn't until about a year later that I discovered that everything I has experienced were very common adults expressions of separation anxiety.
By definition separation anxiety, at its extreme levels, may be quite noticeable. Those with an overwhelming attachment to a close relative to the point where they cannot leave their side without experiencing a panic attack are very likely to be suffering from separation anxiety.
Now, I have never been this bad. I can leave Martin without having a panic attack. I can go to work, see family, go to the gym without really thinking about it. But there are certain situations where my anxiety takes over and can be very overwhelming.
I have definitely suffered many of the symptoms below, typical of those who suffer with ASAD (Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder)
Extreme Jealousy -
Sometimes even just jealousy at the fact that Martin is out without me. Regardless of who he is with, I just get ridiculously jealous. A quality that makes me feel very ashamed of myself.
Researchers say that "some forms of deep jealousy may be due to separation anxiety, where the individual becomes far less trusting because they're subconsciously worried that someone will leave them. This is especially true if the jealousy is accompanied by anxious thoughts, such as a fear of being alone or irrational concerns about infidelity."
This is me at my most irrational. In a nutshell. Something I am not proud of, but when I am in the midst of an anxiety attack, I often convince myself that Martin is going to leave me.
But when the panic sets in, it can be impossible to ignore the voices that take over inside my head. It can be a horrible, overwhelming, disorientating experience when a panic attack really takes hold and there isn't a lot anyone can do when it starts to take hold.
Martin has sat beside me on more than one occasion as I've gone through one and not been able to do anything but hold me until it passes.
Excessive worry about losing these figures.
Anxious, "worst case scenario" thinking about separation.
For me, these two go hand in hand. I am a real worse case scenario, what if worrier. When if an anxious frame of mind, especially if the separation has come out of the blue, like an unplanned 'oh, I'm off down the pub' when I haven't been given any notice of him going out, I will spend hours imagining the worst things that could happen to Martin or to me when we are apart. things including getting hurt, getting lost, kidnapping, getting caught in a terrorist attack, accidents... all sorts! It's exhausting and scary and once it starts, completely uncontrollable.
Trouble sleeping when away from a specific person.
This is so true. When we are apart, I really struggle to sleep. Even if I'm at home in our bed, I found it really tough to sleep without Martin next to me.
Since working out where my anxiety started, I have been able to try and control it to some extent with little routines that I have put it place when Martin goes out. I try to spend the time on self care now, so I'll paint my nails, wash my hair, spend time working on mindfulness colouring, meditate. Just spend time working on me and looking after me so that I'm not obsessing over the fact that Martin is away.
Martin has been amazing too, trying to make sure that he gives me lots of notice if he has plans so that I can either make plans of my own or make sure I have something to do at home to keep me busy - cue self care plans!
The actual anxiety attack is really hard to explain because I know how irrational it is but it's not something you can control.... and depending on how it comes I might become really angry and agitated and aggressive (my least favourite, because I don't feel anything like myself when that happens) or I become really low and despondent and almost shut down.... which can also be scary because I become really detached from the world around me and that harks back to other mental health issues that I have battled and beaten before.
I don't really know how all of that is going to come across to all of you reading this but this is something that is really close to my heart and something that I feel should have it's awareness raised.
I have been aware of my separation anxiety for about a year now but haven't really started speaking about it until the last few months because, basically, I feel really nervous that people would either tell me that I was being ridiculous and that it would colour their opinion of me. I don't want people to think that I'm a crazy, unstable person. I also suppose that I know how I think about myself for how I behave during an anxiety attack and I assume that other people will judge me the same or worse so it has sometimes been easier not to say anything and risk upsetting people.
In today's society, I think it is so important to embrace and accept other people's stories and experiences because you really don't know what is going in someone's head. Everyone is fighting their own battle and who are we to judge if someone else's is more or less than yours.
I hope that this blog post helps someone reading it to have the courage to speak up about something in their life that they are hiding. Since I started sharing my anxiety with friends and family, it has become so much easier to handle. I have been able to reach out to people when I felt the anxiety taking hold and not had to deal with it alone.
I think I just wanted to speak out about it. There is still so much stigma around mental health and actually feels really good share it. Who knows, maybe there is someone that is given courage or confidence from this post.
Sunday 20 May 2018
Things They Never Tell You You'll Learn On Your School Direct Year
I've now nearly finished my NQT year and have just come across this blog in my draft folder. This is something I started to put together at the end of last year, when I was finishing my training and most of these are still true as an NQT - althought you know they are coming after a year as a School Direct student.
You can never go to toiler.... ever.
As a teacher, you have to train your bladder to be as strong as steel. You can't just up and leave a classroom full of 30 children whenever you feel like it. Teachers look forward to weekends and holidays, when they can go when they like! At school, it's 8:30am and 3:30pm.... and lunch time if your lucky! Bladders of steel!
You can never go to toiler.... ever.
As a teacher, you have to train your bladder to be as strong as steel. You can't just up and leave a classroom full of 30 children whenever you feel like it. Teachers look forward to weekends and holidays, when they can go when they like! At school, it's 8:30am and 3:30pm.... and lunch time if your lucky! Bladders of steel!
Your social life will vanish.
Week nights are spent marking, planning, sleeping or rocking in a corner. Talking to your family is a gold dust moment that usually involves a glass of wine, a rant and a box of tissues. Weekends are all about catching up life admin like laundry, food shops and eating something other than much needed chocolate or cake.
Week nights are spent marking, planning, sleeping or rocking in a corner. Talking to your family is a gold dust moment that usually involves a glass of wine, a rant and a box of tissues. Weekends are all about catching up life admin like laundry, food shops and eating something other than much needed chocolate or cake.
School is never just 9am - 3pm
You get in at 7:30am and don't normally leave until 5:30pm.... and then take work home with you to complete. Lesson plans, marking, keeping your Student File up to date.... being a teacher, you never get to the bottom of your To Do List. Something I found really hard to deal with as a student, I love to get a job finished and I had to learn really quickly that in my chosen career.... that just wasn't going to happen.
You get in at 7:30am and don't normally leave until 5:30pm.... and then take work home with you to complete. Lesson plans, marking, keeping your Student File up to date.... being a teacher, you never get to the bottom of your To Do List. Something I found really hard to deal with as a student, I love to get a job finished and I had to learn really quickly that in my chosen career.... that just wasn't going to happen.
Chocolate is always necessary
Always. In varying quantities depending on how the day is going. It can be celebratory, stress relieving, commiserating.... but it is ALWAYS necessary. Luckily enough, there is nearly always some in the staff room to snack on.
Always. In varying quantities depending on how the day is going. It can be celebratory, stress relieving, commiserating.... but it is ALWAYS necessary. Luckily enough, there is nearly always some in the staff room to snack on.
Wine is your friend
See above....I would not have survived my training year without wine..... at points A LOT of wine.
See above....I would not have survived my training year without wine..... at points A LOT of wine.
Marking is the worst thing known to all man kind
It is a never ending, ever present, relentlessly boring landslide of crap..... until you read something that one your kids has done which blows you away.... at that point, it makes your entire week worth it.
It is a never ending, ever present, relentlessly boring landslide of crap..... until you read something that one your kids has done which blows you away.... at that point, it makes your entire week worth it.
You will be asleep before 9:30pm most Friday nights
I have never experienced complete exhaustion like I did the first term of my student year.... until the first term of my NQT year. I did not know that it was possible to be that mentally drained. The job is a constant learning curve which changes as soon as you think you are getting the hang of things. (Something that I am sure is not exclusive to teaching). Most weekends of my training year, I would get home on Friday and be completely unconscious by 9pm. The weeks were so full on that by the end of it - bed was the only option.
But after all that..... It is the best year of your life. (Until you o your NQT year)
After all the stress and tears and hard work, you qualify. You are officially allowed to teach. For me, I entered the career I had dreamed of since I was 16. It was worth it. It was crazy hard, but it was worth it.
That's not to say there are things I wouldn't have changed about it. That goes for my NQT year too. There are things about teaching which are getting harder, more expectations from the Government and Ofsted, which means more pressure on ALL schools and ALL teachers. But, from personal experience so far, it is worth it. When a child in my class finally has a breakthrough moment or a kid produces an amazing piece of work that they are so proud of.... it's an amazing thing to be a part of.
It's a bloody hard job. It takes over your evenings, your weekends, your holidays.... it can destroy your social life if you let it...... but it's one of the most rewarding things I think I could do as my career.
I can't wait for another academic year to start, to see where it takes me and to see what I learn from being an NQT +1.
After all the stress and tears and hard work, you qualify. You are officially allowed to teach. For me, I entered the career I had dreamed of since I was 16. It was worth it. It was crazy hard, but it was worth it.
That's not to say there are things I wouldn't have changed about it. That goes for my NQT year too. There are things about teaching which are getting harder, more expectations from the Government and Ofsted, which means more pressure on ALL schools and ALL teachers. But, from personal experience so far, it is worth it. When a child in my class finally has a breakthrough moment or a kid produces an amazing piece of work that they are so proud of.... it's an amazing thing to be a part of.
It's a bloody hard job. It takes over your evenings, your weekends, your holidays.... it can destroy your social life if you let it...... but it's one of the most rewarding things I think I could do as my career.
I can't wait for another academic year to start, to see where it takes me and to see what I learn from being an NQT +1.
Wednesday 16 August 2017
My Art Endeavours
22/05/2108 - .... because I didn't have enough colouring books I bought a new one.
This one is all about fairies! It's lovely, can't wait to make this book full of beautiful, colourful, fantastical fairy creatures. This is my first go. She is a sort of floral, natural, forest dwelling nymph. I'm really happy so far.... just need to finish her headdress.
16/8/17 - Finished piece! Lots of colour! Happy with how it turned out - took a while to get all of the flowers done!
12/8/17 - So not updated this as regularly as I had hoped to! Or at all for that matter. I've done quite a lot of colouring on and off over the last 2 years, collecting way too many colouring books and letting sit in a drawer for months! I've taken up colouring a lot more in the last month. I've been doing it in the evenings to keep my fingers and my mind busy to stop me from snacking.
I recently visited a friend, who is also one of my bridesmaids and a fellow colourer... and she was systematically colouring through her adult colouring book.... page after page...... which is a weird concept for me. As I'm a flicker througher and pick the picture I like best to do next, but her book looked AMAZING! All the colour and creativity was stunning and the fact that it was every page - a feast for the eyes! I had serious colouring envy. So, I have taken the first book that I ever got to colour.... the book that all the pictures in this blog post are already from and I'm going to work through it a page at a time..... it will probably take me forever to finish..... if I ever finish it but I do find it really relaxing and it stops me from creeping to the kitchen for naughty snacks. Helps with my anxiety at times too..... when I'm stressed - my colouring book is a God send!
Here is the first page of the book...... nearly completed. Just a few more sections to go.
I also completed the picture in the post below from 2 years ago! I must have finished it just after posting and then never got round to posting it. So here it is!
This book will be a challenge and I'm going to try and not skip pages.... even if they don't really take my fancy. Stay tuned for more arty pics.
Megan xx
14/06/15 - I'm putting the date as I will hopefully be updating this entry regularly with progress pictures. I will be posting the updates at the top of the page so it will read chronologically down - most recent post at the top. Hope that makes sense.
06/06/15:
I spent it colouring! Wahoo!!
09/05/15 - Enjoyed a Friday night in with hot chocolate and Tim Minchin on the telly.... oh, and my colouring book! I've said it before and I will definitely say it again! I have a 40 year old soul instead of my actual age of 22.
05/05/15 - Got a few more little bits done yesterday. Still wasn't feeling brilliant and was finding it hard to concentrate. Think I've recovered properly now so should be able to get more done this week.
02/05/15 - Not been feeling well today. Sometimes haven't even had the concentration to colour. Got a little bit more done though. Nearly half way - need to hit the sheets. I am SO tired!
01/05/15:
30/04/15 - So, after chatting to a colleague/friend today about my next project and having a flick through the book we came the decision that I should start a completely different, third, design. This is it:
Got some of the surrounding detail sorted whilst waiting for Ballroom to start. It's such a gorgeous pattern! I love it. Can't wait to see how it all turns out. :D
29/04/15 - FINISHED! What do people think? Any good?
I was away with the school this week so got to spend some down time with my art book. This is how far I got. I'm so close to finishing. Tomorrow I think I'll post two new designs that I'd like to do and ask which one my lovely readers (yes, that's you guys) decide which one I should do.
25/04/15 - Got another 'circle' coloured in all the different squares today. Got one more circle and then the corners to do. I love how relaxed I feel when I'm doing this. It's the ultimate time waster but it's brilliant.
24/04/15 - Been doing a lot of doodling this evening! Not feeling 100% so I am tucked up in bed with a movie and my colouring book. Very relaxing. Here is how my current piece is looking at the moment.
23/04/15 - I recently bought a colouring books for grown-ups as a time wasting/creative/therapeutic activity... and it is brilliant!
I got it from a company that sell books at my work called The Book People, but you can get books like this online and in some stationary shops.
This one is all about fairies! It's lovely, can't wait to make this book full of beautiful, colourful, fantastical fairy creatures. This is my first go. She is a sort of floral, natural, forest dwelling nymph. I'm really happy so far.... just need to finish her headdress.
16/8/17 - Finished piece! Lots of colour! Happy with how it turned out - took a while to get all of the flowers done!
New page with no colour yet - let's see what it looks like by the end of it. This page is a double spread. I'm going to do one page in pen and then one in pencil and see the difference. Pen first! There's a lot of hidden detail in this one - could take me a while.
12/8/17 - So not updated this as regularly as I had hoped to! Or at all for that matter. I've done quite a lot of colouring on and off over the last 2 years, collecting way too many colouring books and letting sit in a drawer for months! I've taken up colouring a lot more in the last month. I've been doing it in the evenings to keep my fingers and my mind busy to stop me from snacking.
I recently visited a friend, who is also one of my bridesmaids and a fellow colourer... and she was systematically colouring through her adult colouring book.... page after page...... which is a weird concept for me. As I'm a flicker througher and pick the picture I like best to do next, but her book looked AMAZING! All the colour and creativity was stunning and the fact that it was every page - a feast for the eyes! I had serious colouring envy. So, I have taken the first book that I ever got to colour.... the book that all the pictures in this blog post are already from and I'm going to work through it a page at a time..... it will probably take me forever to finish..... if I ever finish it but I do find it really relaxing and it stops me from creeping to the kitchen for naughty snacks. Helps with my anxiety at times too..... when I'm stressed - my colouring book is a God send!
Here is the first page of the book...... nearly completed. Just a few more sections to go.
I also completed the picture in the post below from 2 years ago! I must have finished it just after posting and then never got round to posting it. So here it is!
This book will be a challenge and I'm going to try and not skip pages.... even if they don't really take my fancy. Stay tuned for more arty pics.
Megan xx
14/06/15 - I'm putting the date as I will hopefully be updating this entry regularly with progress pictures. I will be posting the updates at the top of the page so it will read chronologically down - most recent post at the top. Hope that makes sense.
I don't know whether to do all the flowers the same colour of to have them all slightly different? Any advice anyone? I love how this is coming along, the pencils make the picture look really soft and natural. Very pleased so far.
06/06/15:
I finished it! It took me bloomin' ages but it's done. I love it! So much detail in there that at times it made my head hurt colouring it in.
Now to do a design in my new colouring pencils that I've mentioned before!
Which out of these two designs do you lovely readers suggest I do next? 1 or 2?
 |
| 1.... |
 |
| 2.... |
25/05/15 How I spent my bank holiday....
I spent it colouring! Wahoo!!
....and I got a new set of pencils for some of the designs which need to be a little be softer than the pens. Hoping to use them on my next design maybe - will be posting a decision blog when this one is done.
09/05/15 - Enjoyed a Friday night in with hot chocolate and Tim Minchin on the telly.... oh, and my colouring book! I've said it before and I will definitely say it again! I have a 40 year old soul instead of my actual age of 22.
 |
| My Wild Night In! |
 |
| I love the difference between the two halves of this page! Can't wait till it's all done. |
 |
| Really coming on, I think. Still a long way to go though |
01/05/15:
More colourful fun! Second project already more fun than the first! This design is so intricate! I love it.
30/04/15 - So, after chatting to a colleague/friend today about my next project and having a flick through the book we came the decision that I should start a completely different, third, design. This is it:
There is so much detail in this one but I am going to leave the background white so that the individual sections stand out even more.
Love how this flower is put together, there are so many sections that it allows for really intricate colour work. The only thing is, it throws my OCD out of whack as all the petals have an outline (that is pink) apart from one. It really wound me up for a while but after adding some more details around the flower, it isn't so noticeable.
Got some of the surrounding detail sorted whilst waiting for Ballroom to start. It's such a gorgeous pattern! I love it. Can't wait to see how it all turns out. :D
29/04/15 - FINISHED! What do people think? Any good?
 |
| DONE |
So, which one do people like more? Left or right? I can't work out which one I like more?
I was away with the school this week so got to spend some down time with my art book. This is how far I got. I'm so close to finishing. Tomorrow I think I'll post two new designs that I'd like to do and ask which one my lovely readers (yes, that's you guys) decide which one I should do.
 |
| So close to completion |
 |
| It's getting there! |
 |
| Getting there! |
 |
| The Book! |
Seeing as I am now hooked I thought I might post my progress through the book on here, ask opinions on my next page and colour schemes etc. I am feeling particularly creative at the moment and am really enjoying working on my first piece in the book.
I really liked the way these ornate blocks are laid out, there is quite a lot of hidden detail that I hope will really jump out as I fill more and more of it in!
All the squares completed and some of the middle stars are filled in to. I love seeing how this is all starting to fit together. Still a lot of white on the page to work through though! Loving this, really glad I bought it.
 |
| The First Piece |
 |
| Stage One Done! |
Taking Back Control!! (72 days to go)
Hey everyone!
I hope you have all had a great week - achieved some goals and made a few steps along whatever journey it is you are all on at the moment.
First week of the journal done! And it was a really successful week. 4 and a half pounds off! So chuffed - hard work pays off. Sticking to the plan pays off. At the end of each week, my journal asks to list things that went well.... and praising myself is something that I still need to practise to it took a little to think of the things that I had achieved.
I'll be keeping track of my weight loss on this grid in my journal. I'm really excited to see how my weight drops on this grid over the next 11 days.
First of all, I put staying in control. I felt that this was important because I'd been out to dinner a few times over the week and had still managed to stay on plan the majority of the time, made good choices and still enjoyed the occasion without feel anxious or worried about being 'off' plan for one meal.
I also felt that I had actually enjoyed my syns this week. I had thought about what I really wanted to treat myself to and looked forward to those treats without feeling guilty. Even though syns are a part of the slimming world plan, I can still sometimes feel like I am cheating because I'm enjoying 'naughty' food but this week I looked forward to them and it was easier to just enjoy them than to worry about them..... glass of wine.... YES PLEASE!! :D
I also had to write a postcard to myself containing compliments to myself to pick me up on a down day. I'd had some really lovely compliments from friends and followers recently so I used all of them to make myself feel strong and confident if I have a bad day on this journey.
The message into week 2 was this.....
Something that I will be focusing on during the journey too. To not only treat my body better, but to treat my soul and my heart better. I am inherently negative when it comes to my appearance and my ability to change that. I believe straight away that I will fail! This week, I tried really hard to change that mindset. As some of you may have seen on my Instagram account, I gave myself permission to be successful this week - because I deserve to be! I deserve to teat myself the best way that I can, to be the best version of myself possible and to love myself for making the effort to change. To love myself now - even if I'm not where I want to be. To have a good heart.... and use it for myself not just for others! And what do you know! It works - the results speak for themselves. So this will be my mantra for the next week - let's hope I can have another great result on Tuesday.
I hope you have all had a great week - achieved some goals and made a few steps along whatever journey it is you are all on at the moment.
First week of the journal done! And it was a really successful week. 4 and a half pounds off! So chuffed - hard work pays off. Sticking to the plan pays off. At the end of each week, my journal asks to list things that went well.... and praising myself is something that I still need to practise to it took a little to think of the things that I had achieved.
First of all, I put staying in control. I felt that this was important because I'd been out to dinner a few times over the week and had still managed to stay on plan the majority of the time, made good choices and still enjoyed the occasion without feel anxious or worried about being 'off' plan for one meal.
I also felt that I had actually enjoyed my syns this week. I had thought about what I really wanted to treat myself to and looked forward to those treats without feeling guilty. Even though syns are a part of the slimming world plan, I can still sometimes feel like I am cheating because I'm enjoying 'naughty' food but this week I looked forward to them and it was easier to just enjoy them than to worry about them..... glass of wine.... YES PLEASE!! :D
I also had to write a postcard to myself containing compliments to myself to pick me up on a down day. I'd had some really lovely compliments from friends and followers recently so I used all of them to make myself feel strong and confident if I have a bad day on this journey.
The message into week 2 was this.....
Something that I will be focusing on during the journey too. To not only treat my body better, but to treat my soul and my heart better. I am inherently negative when it comes to my appearance and my ability to change that. I believe straight away that I will fail! This week, I tried really hard to change that mindset. As some of you may have seen on my Instagram account, I gave myself permission to be successful this week - because I deserve to be! I deserve to teat myself the best way that I can, to be the best version of myself possible and to love myself for making the effort to change. To love myself now - even if I'm not where I want to be. To have a good heart.... and use it for myself not just for others! And what do you know! It works - the results speak for themselves. So this will be my mantra for the next week - let's hope I can have another great result on Tuesday.
When I went out of dinner on Monday - I actually made an effort to look nice. I'd been to the hairdresser and got a cut and blow dry! (First time I'd ever had my hair blow dried properly at the hairdresser) Having some me time was great - a little treat for myself before term starts again. Because I'd had my hair done and I was feeling kind of pretty, I figured I'd make an effort in general. I actually got my make up bag out and took my time 'putting my face on' - something I probably do once every 3 months. I really don't put make up on a lot because I can't be bothered, or don't have the time, or don't feel worthy of making myself look nice. I'm not saying that you need make up to look good either. I'm really blessed with very clear skin, so need to wear make up every day. I've got good complexion and long eyelashes. I don't need to wear make up, but I often feel like I'm not worthy of making an effort either. That's my point.
But I really enjoyed just sitting down and pampering myself - taking the natural beauty that I have and enhancing it. My face is a lot slimmer now too - so I liked taking notice of the changes that have taken place since January as I putting my makeup on.
 |
| The final result |
So, all in all, a really good week. I fell really uplifted by my results and am so excited of the next 7 days to see what they bring!
72 days to go until wedding dress shopping!!!
Stay tuned for next week.
Megan xx
Wednesday 9 August 2017
The Next 80 Days... and how to get through them!
Hi all!
So, last night was weigh in at slimming world and the results were not good post holiday. I knew they wouldn't be.... but I was still sort of shocked by how much I'd put on in ten days...... 6 and a half pounds on! EEK! But there really isn't anything gained by stressing about it. It is what it is - I've put on weight whilst on holiday and if I went back and did that holiday again I wouldn't change what I did so just got to get back on plan and get on with it.
I'm already down around 4lbs since Friday morning when we got back so that's a bonus that that didn't show on the scale!
So now, it's time to really focus. I've got the summer holiday and then start my new job. It's 79 days from today to when I go and try on wedding dresses for the first time. I've got 79 days to lose at least a stone. My slimming world consultant thinks I could lose 2 stone in that time which would be amazing! I'm going to work my hardest to get there starting with today.
When I purchased my last 12 weeks countdown, I got a summer 12 week diary for free.... and it has been sat on the side in my bedroom since the day that I was given it untouched. Seems like a total waste really, and I think it will be a tool that I need to use to keep me focused over the coming months to get me to my goal.
These will be my lifelines to keep me focused on my goals. I filled out the first few pages during my slimming world meeting last night. I've got most of my meals planned for the week ahead and some body magic goals to achieve as well. I've given myself the target of losing 3lbs this week - that's half of the weight that I put on over the holidays. I'd like to get it off in two weeks in possible and then get on with earning my club 10 award.
As some of you will have seen on Instagram this morning, I've already got on with my body magic for today. My gym offered me 30 free days sign up to Les Mills On Demand. I love all the Les Mills classes, body balance, body pump etc. but getting to the classes at the gym can be difficult with the hours that I work during term time.
Today, the weather is absolutely horrid, it's pouring with rain and I really didn't feel like leaving the house so it was the perfect opportunity to try the online services. I tried a new class that I hadn't even heard of before. Sh'Bam! It's awesome. It's very similar to Zumba.... a massive dance party basically. The moves are easy to follow and the instructors are motivating and entertaining. 45 minutes flew by and I was a sweaty mess by the end of it!
Have a great day everyone!!
Stay strong,
Be kind to yourself.
Megan xx
So, last night was weigh in at slimming world and the results were not good post holiday. I knew they wouldn't be.... but I was still sort of shocked by how much I'd put on in ten days...... 6 and a half pounds on! EEK! But there really isn't anything gained by stressing about it. It is what it is - I've put on weight whilst on holiday and if I went back and did that holiday again I wouldn't change what I did so just got to get back on plan and get on with it.
I'm already down around 4lbs since Friday morning when we got back so that's a bonus that that didn't show on the scale!
So now, it's time to really focus. I've got the summer holiday and then start my new job. It's 79 days from today to when I go and try on wedding dresses for the first time. I've got 79 days to lose at least a stone. My slimming world consultant thinks I could lose 2 stone in that time which would be amazing! I'm going to work my hardest to get there starting with today.
When I purchased my last 12 weeks countdown, I got a summer 12 week diary for free.... and it has been sat on the side in my bedroom since the day that I was given it untouched. Seems like a total waste really, and I think it will be a tool that I need to use to keep me focused over the coming months to get me to my goal.
As some of you will have seen on Instagram this morning, I've already got on with my body magic for today. My gym offered me 30 free days sign up to Les Mills On Demand. I love all the Les Mills classes, body balance, body pump etc. but getting to the classes at the gym can be difficult with the hours that I work during term time.
Today, the weather is absolutely horrid, it's pouring with rain and I really didn't feel like leaving the house so it was the perfect opportunity to try the online services. I tried a new class that I hadn't even heard of before. Sh'Bam! It's awesome. It's very similar to Zumba.... a massive dance party basically. The moves are easy to follow and the instructors are motivating and entertaining. 45 minutes flew by and I was a sweaty mess by the end of it!
I danced so hard that I fogged up all the windows in our spare room! It felt great to get my heart rate up and burn some calories! Hoping to get out for a run in the next couple of days when the weather improves. Going to try body combat or attack next on Les Mills on demand. Try and use all the various classes before my trial runs out... .see if it's worth staying signed up as a paying member.
Got a great dinner planned this evening and going to have a high protein snack now to aid muscle recovery after my workout. Feeling really strong and focused for the next 3 months - big changes are going to happen and I'm going to hit some serious goals!
Have a great day everyone!!
Stay strong,
Be kind to yourself.
Megan xx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)