Taking Back Control!! (72 days to go)

Hey everyone!

I hope you have all had a great week - achieved some goals and made a few steps along whatever journey it is you are all on at the moment.

First week of the journal done! And it was a really successful week. 4 and a half pounds off! So chuffed - hard work pays off. Sticking to the plan pays off. At the end of each week, my journal asks to list things that went well.... and praising myself is something that I still need to practise to it took a little to think of the things that I had achieved.

I'll be keeping track of my weight loss on this grid in my journal. I'm really excited to see how my weight drops on this grid over the next 11 days.

First of all, I put staying in control. I felt that this was important because I'd been out to dinner a few times over the week and had still managed to stay on plan the majority of the time, made good choices and still enjoyed the occasion without feel anxious or worried about being 'off' plan for one meal.

I also felt that I had actually enjoyed my syns this week. I had thought about what I really wanted to treat myself to and looked forward to those treats without feeling guilty. Even though syns are a part of the slimming world plan, I can still sometimes feel like I am cheating because I'm enjoying 'naughty' food but this week I looked forward to them and it was easier to just enjoy them than to worry about them..... glass of wine.... YES PLEASE!! :D

I also had to write a postcard to myself containing compliments to myself to pick me up on a down day. I'd had some really lovely compliments from friends and followers recently so I used all of them to make myself feel strong and confident if I have a bad day on this journey.

The message into week 2 was this.....

Something that I will be focusing on during the journey too. To not only treat my body better, but to treat my soul and my heart better. I am inherently negative when it comes to my appearance and my ability to change that. I believe straight away that I will fail! This week, I tried really hard to change that mindset. As some of you may have seen on my Instagram account, I gave myself permission to be successful this week - because I deserve to be! I deserve to teat myself the best way that I can, to be the best version of myself possible and to love myself for making the effort to change. To love myself now - even if I'm not where I want to be. To have a good heart.... and use it for myself not just for others! And what do you know! It works - the results speak for themselves. So this will be my mantra for the next week - let's hope I can have another great result on Tuesday.

From Google

When I went out of dinner on Monday - I actually made an effort to look nice. I'd been to the hairdresser and got a cut and blow dry! (First time I'd ever had my hair blow dried properly at the hairdresser) Having some me time was great - a little treat for myself before term starts again. Because I'd had my hair done and I was feeling kind of pretty, I figured I'd make an effort in general. I actually got my make up bag out and took my time 'putting my face on' - something I probably do once every 3 months. I really don't put make up on a lot because I can't be bothered, or don't have the time, or don't feel worthy of making myself look nice. I'm not saying that you need make up to look good either. I'm really blessed with very clear skin, so need to wear make up every day. I've got good complexion and long eyelashes. I don't need to wear make up, but I often feel like I'm not worthy of making an effort either. That's my point. 

But I really enjoyed just sitting down and pampering myself - taking the natural beauty that I have and enhancing it. My face is a lot slimmer now too - so I liked taking notice of the changes that have taken place since January as I putting my makeup on. 

The final result

                                                           

So, all in all, a really good week. I fell really uplifted by my results and am so excited of the next 7 days to see what they bring! 

72 days to go until wedding dress shopping!!! 

Stay tuned for next week. 

Megan xx

365 Days: The Wake Up Call

On Sunday, I woke up pretty early and felt quite determined to start my training for the Hampton Court half marathon.

I haven't run for months so I knew that it wasn't going to be much fun. In a word, it was AWFUL! I was still recovering from a really chesty cough plus being horrendously unfit. The first km was fine and after that, it was agony. I couldn't run the whole way, I had to stop twice to catch my breath because my chest was in so much pain. I was really unhappy with how far I've let myself go. I can still remember what I felt like when I used to be able to run 2 or 3 10ks in a week and now I can't even run 3km without stopping for a break.

I know that in the last few months I've really not treated my body well. I've over eaten, drank way too much booze and not done nearly enough exercise. I knew it wasn't going to be a good run because of all of this but it was definitely a wake up call as to how much work I have to do to get back into shape. My fitness is something I always used to value, even when I was still over weight I was quite fit so I was happy that I could run and not feel like I was struggling. 

In a way, it's a good starting point because it can't get any worse. I mean, not unless I fall over or run in front of a car or something. So, it can only get better from this point onwards. I can only hope that the next time I go out on a run, I can get the whole way round without stopping and then I'll think about extending my running route.

I've done 3km now, only 18 more to train for. I've made a start and that's the main thing. Just need to keep going now.... things can only get better......

Check back soon for more runs and hopefully, more updates on weight loss.

Megan :)

365 Days: Do It Together!

For a lot of us trying to lose weight, half the battle is staying motivated. Staying accountable. This has always been really tough for me - going it alone always ends up with me giving up, buying a box of pity chocolates and demolishing them in one sitting. 

This time around, I've got my lovely man to do it with. We've come to agreement that we are doing this together. Each week, we have set ourselves the target of losing 3lbs between us. (Or 1.5lbs each) We are putting £5 each into a kitty - if we lose the weight, we can keep the money or spend it on a treat, or stick it savings for up and coming events. If we don't lose the weight, we pick a charity to donate the money to each week. So, we'll see over the next few weeks how much money we can save and how much of it goes to charity. 

I think it's really important to have a support network around you when you are trying to lose weight. It can get really tough, especially if the weight is coming off or you're working really hard and still not seeing the results you want. At that point, it's vital to have people around you who understand what you are going through and are able to keep you focused whilst you get through the dreaded plateaus. 

The times that I have been most successful are the times where I've been focused on my weight loss with someone else, doing a scheme such as Weight Watchers or training as part of a team. 

This week, I started training for the half marathon in February, and using the running app strava. It's a brilliant way of being held accountable. Lots of my friends are on strava and follow me, some of them are doing the half marathon with me so it's great that they can see when I run. It also means that if they go out for a training run, I can see it which will (hopefully) motivate me more to get out, pounding the pavement. 

The plan with Martin is to get back to swimming.... at least that was the plan until we found out that our local pool is closing until the new year so that they can re-tile it all. So, that has put that part of the plan on hold. We are going to have to rethink these strategies to work out ways of working out together outside of the swimming pool. He refuses to come running with me though - which is sad because I think the competitive streak in me would come out and make me run further if there was someone with me. 

Looking forward to getting onto some longer runs over the next few weeks. 

Check in soon,

Megan :) 

365 Days: Have Something To Work Towards!

With no sign of things calming down at work at the moment, I've had to give myself some serious goals to work towards. The last few weeks have been literally mental! Half term came and went in the blink of an eye. I spent the week off seeing friends, catching up on sleep, being treated to a night away for our anniversary...... and not much time at all working out. I did lots and lots of walking but no runs, no swims, no classes..... NOT GOOD!

So, because it seems I cannot get myself exercising unless I have a goal to work towards, I have set myself two challenges between now and February half term! The aim is to get me up and moving around so that some of this spare tyre goes away. I'd like to look a little slimmer in the family Christmas photos this year!

The first challenge I have set myself is a swim challenge. At my gym, the pool has this gadget called a SwimTag. I'd never heard of it before until I started swimming there - basically, it's a pedometer that you wear in the water, around your wrist and it tracks your swim. How many lengths you've swam, the time you swam for, the time you rested for in the pool between your lengths, your average pace - all sorts! SwimTag links up to a website which keeps logs of all the swims you have done whilst wearing a swimtag wrist band.

Another feature of the website, is it's virtual challenge set up. You can 'swim' around parts of the world, different landmarks, cities, islands, canals etc. It's great fun and a little challenge never hurt anyone. My parents when to Venice for their wedding anniversary this year and had a wonderful time and because of that, I have set myself the challenge to swim around Venice before Christmas. Every time I swim, I will put on a swimtag and it should update the meters I swim in the pool online. I have to finish the challenge by Dec 31st this year. I want to start a new swim challenge in the new year.

I've not done my first swim yet, but once I have, I'll screen shot the updates and post them in a blog entry.

The second challenge that I have given myself is a little more long term. I am going to run a half marathon in February. The Hampton Court half marathon. It's been a long time since I have done any running and even longer since I've been in a run/race (apart from my triathlon). The longest distance I have ever run is a 10K so I am really excited to push myself past my last achievement and extend my running ability.

Also, for me, running is the best way to shift some pounds. So to have a major goal, which means major training, will hopefully really get the weight dropping off. First training happening today - hopefully do 5km and see what my time is like. I've got a long time to train so I'm hoping to bring my times down on my distances as well as get used to longer runs.

I downloaded Strava onto my phone yesterday to track my running and I've added a few friends who are also training for the half marathon. Just another way to keep myself accountable. If I see that they are running and I haven't... I'm sure as hell going to need to go for a run too! Hopefully, that'll mean we all do a good amount of training before the run.

I'm actually really excited for this half marathon, it'll be a great way to get to my goal, really improve my fitness and muscle tone and it'll be a huge achievement which should spur me on to keep going. As the race approaches in February, sign ups should open for my next HumanRace triathlon too - just another event to work towards.

Stay tuned for updates on my first few workouts working towards both of my challenges!

Megan  

365 Days: Sometimes life happens.... and that's okay.

I've been talking to a few of my friends about this blog and they've said that they like it because it's so honest... and that is something that I always strive to be.

I am not a fitness queen, I do not eat well all the time, I do work out enough. I am aware of all of that. What I am is honest and hard working and I have a goal in mind.

This week was exactly what I thought it would be - manic! I didn't make it to the gym once, I ate a lot of chocolate as I was going through all my assessments for my class this half term! Maths, reading, and writing for 34 kids is a lot of hours.... and that requires chocolate to keep going. I have not and never will have an iron will power that lets me be perfect all the time. And hell, if being perfect all the time and eating X amount of calories a day.... I don't want to be. I like cake and chocolate and cheat nights. That is life - we can't be on point every day, all day for ever. It's not realistic.

What I can do is try my best to get it right most of the time. Work small amounts into my already hectic routine and be careful with what I eat.

When I was 17 and going through some pretty rough times, I would punish myself for 'falling off the wagon'. I would starve myself for a day or more if I ate what I deemed to be the 'wrong' food or too much food. I'd totally restrict myself of as much food as possible and then binge when I was starving and the cycle would start again. So, over the years, I have learned that restriction is not the answer for me. It only leads to binge episodes and a downward spiral.

Only thing that I have definitely learned over the last 4 years of weight loss and weight gain, is that life happens. Someone throws a party - go and have fun (ie drink a bit too much alcohol). Someone has a birthday at work - have a slice of cake with them. You have a really crappy week at work and you can't be bothered to cook - order a pizza. It's life. Live it.

Okay, so don't do that every time something goes wrong and don't totally blow out every party but it is okay to let go every now and again and forget that you're on a diet.

It's a lifestyle, a life long decision and personally, I don't think it's realistic to never eat cake, or to never have a glass of wine on a Friday. You have to be realistic. I mean, sure, if I had better will power, I was more rigid in my routine and my diet, I'd lose the weight faster, but I'd be bored as hell and have no fun....

So, this week, I haven't gotten on the scale. I know that I won't have lost any weight, so why give myself the moral shattering moment of actually seeing that. I know that this week I have to get back on track a little and I will. But I'm also not going to obsess over the fact that this past week has not been good. I will reach my goal and I will succeed.

But I'm going to eat the odd bar of chocolate along the way.

I hope that in some ways, some where, someone reading this can relate and maybe this will make someone feel like they aren't failing or doing badly because they too, haven't had the best week either.

I'm not going to write things that aren't true, nor will I apologise for that - this is my reality, this is how I will achieve my goals and this is what my life is really like.

I hope this reaches other very busy, very driven chocoholics.

Check in soon.

Megan.

365 Days: 47lbs To Go!

What a week! Work was so busy I didn't make it to the gym once. I was doing 12 hour days+ at school this week. I'm a trainee teacher and as I take on more of the teaching, it means more marking which means more hours in school after the children have gone and it means more planning - which means more hours! Not that I'm complaining. I love my job, it's full on, it's really tough. Some days suck - I ended up having a little cry in the ladies toilet on Wednesday because on my lessons was pretty awful. But then I got some great feedback on an observation the next day and I was really pleased.

So yeah, my job can be manic and it also means that I don't get to the gym much.... however, because my week was so hectic and I was running here and there and everywhere around school. Plus, my diet was pretty on point this week and.... I lost 2lbs!!! Hooray!

I was getting a little worried because I wasn't getting to the gym. I thought that maybe I wouldn't drop any weight but I got on the scale on Friday morning to a really lovely surprise. I'm really motivated now to keep it going for another week. I love how one good result can give you the push to up your efforts again going into the next week.

I've cut out a lot of carbs in my diet over the last week as well and I feel like my tummy is much less bloated than it was. I don't think that will effect my weight loss much but I do feel as though it looks better so I feel more confident in myself.

This week at work is going to be even more manic than the last and my evenings are looking pretty full too with a work meal, book club, dog sitting at my parents (at least I'll be walking the dog) and Cubs. So I'm not planning on getting to the gym at all this week - there is no point trying to cram everything in and then not have any energy for work. This week, it's really important that I am 100% on form at work so am not doing anything to jeopardise that. I'm pretty sure it'll be another week of dashing around and running on alll cylinders at all times so hopefully that will burn some extra calories and I'll just have to make sure that my diet is really good again. No snacks, low carb, low sugar. That seems to be working so far.

The week after that is half term so I have a week to really ramp up my exercise, swimming, dog walking, a few runs maybe and then Martin and I are off to Portsmouth for our first anniversary. Looking forward to that very much,

Just need to push on through the next 5 days - they are going to be manic, but at least they'll fly by.

So, 47lbs to go on my first goal. Really pleased with my progress so far. Looking forward to getting on the scale next Friday and hopefully seeing another loss.

Thanks for reading,
Check in next week,

Megan

365 Days: 49lbs To Go

One week down, one pound gone. Which I suppose is fine. It's progress but I can't say that I'm completely happy with it.

I was at a wedding at the weekend so that was a write off straight away. Booze, wedding food, more booze.... no amount of crazy dancing on a dance floor can work that off. So I wasn't really expecting to see a massive loss on the scale but I was hoping for more than a pound.

I wasn't well for two days this week which didn't help. I wasn't really able to do a lot. On Tuesday I was feeling pretty rough but decided to still head for a swim. I had a pounding headache and by the time I'd done 20 lengths, my head was all over the place. I didn't have any energy left at all.... turns out I'd picked up a bug from a delightful child at school and spent the best part of the night in the bathroom (so for the overshare).... so Wednesday was a right off, I was really shaky and cold. I could just about handle toast but wasn't up to eating much at all. So that was 2 gym classes that I didn't make it to this week.

Thursday was better, I was feeling much more myself so decided to ramp it up a little to try and compensate for the wedding so I went to Zumba and danced my arse off (I was hoping for that to be literally as well) and after that went for a swim. I did 600meters in the pool after my hour long Zumba class and felt really good for it.

I felt like my diet has been okay since Monday, we're ignoring the wedding weekend, not too many carbs, lots of veg and fish....

This week has shown me that I need to ramp it up again with the exercise. I'm always hungry at the moment so don't really want to cut more food out of my diet so my only option is workout more. Need to find some more time in the week where I can get to a class or hit the pavement for a run... that is if I can still fit into my running shorts.

A little downer on this at the moment is that whilst it's taken me the best part of a month to lose 2 pounds, Martin has a lost a stone in that time. I'm really pleased for him, he's doing really well but it's a little frustrating where I'm the one trying to get down the gym and increase my exercise. I'm the one who's cut bread out almost completely from my diet and yet I'm not loosing any weight. It's really frustrating, I don't want to get all bitchy at him for it or be pissy but it is really disheartening to see that my efforts aren't paying off as quickly as his.

Anyway, just need to carry on with how I am doing at the moment, try and get in more exercise and see how that works out. Think I might start the 30 day squat challenge in the next couple of weeks too. I want to get the tone back in my thighs. They are in serious need of some attention at the moment.

So 49lbs to go, here's to the next 7 days.

Check in again soon with more progress.

Thanks for reading.
M x

A Very Long Absence....

So, I haven't written anything on this blog in such a long time! Life got pretty crazy and my blogging just sort of drifted off into obscurity.

Since I last posted I've lost a stone, fallen in love, moved into a flat with my new man, put back on nearly all of the stone that I lost, landed a new job and probably a lot more along the way.

Living with a man isn't half interesting..... getting to know someone's most private habits and nuances is an interesting journey to embark on. Who knew that the way someone squeezes the toothpaste tube could be so frustrating??!!

It's been a really intense few months, bloke wise, trying to impress a new family. A new part of a family you are hoping to become a part of. The pressure of that is immense at times, making sure that I don't let my other half down, making sure that I impress the people closest to him and show them the best version of me.

For me, this all very new. I've not met a boyfriend's family since I was about 14 and you had no choice but to have tea with the family after school if you ever wanted to see your 'boyfriend' outside of the classroom. But this, this is proper, grown up, I-think-this-is-forever kind of love and meeting the family of that sort of love is quite genuinely terrifying (sometimes).

Having said that, all of the family I have met, I've loved straight away and have made me feel so welcome into their little (or actually not that little) clan. I've still got lots of family members to meet as well apparently..... so there are more nerves and anxiety and stresses to come. :P It's all part of this amazing new journey of meeting all the people who are going to be a major part of my future. I can't quite believe how stupidly happy I am, how lucky I am to have found the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with and for them to feel the same.

Because I'm so stupidly happy, the weight loss/training has gone a little off the rails which is one of the reasons I wanted to start blogging again. I think if I put more focus on writing about my weight loss and training for my next triathlon, it might encourage me to actually stay on track a little more. I'm trying to courage M (my man) to do the same. Hopefully, we can get fit and healthy together, and then enjoy being slightly slimmer on our holiday to Croatia in the summer.

I've got a triathlon in just over a month and training has been really tricky since Christmas as my back has been pretty dodgy since then. There have been weeks where I literally haven't been able to do more than walk because I've been in so much pain, which means that I'm really behind on where I'd like to be fitness wise for my upcoming event. I doubt I'm going to get a PB this time around which is quite frustrating really. I can remember the buzz I felt at the end of last year's triathlon when I knew that I could get round the course faster than I'd completed it.

I know that I am smaller than I was when I competed last year, and I still have time to slim down about but I do seem to be finding it very hard to say no to the bad foods. It's becoming all too easy to skip a workout and come home to M instead. I know that this is pretty stupid and counterproductive to feeling good about myself. Spending time with M gives me the same happy feeling that I get when I work out, and it's so much more tempting to come home for dinner and a cuddle than it is to slog it out in the pool or in a gym class.

So, this needs to change.... quite a lot of it really. The eating habits, the work out schedule, I need to stop skipping the gym to see M.... I mean, I live with him, he's not going anywhere in the extra hour that I might spend in the pool/gym.

So my new blog posts will pretty much be about my weight loss, training, eating habits. If I can hold myself accountable to my (very few) readers then maybe I'll be able to get back on the band wagon and shift some weight.

I've started to doubt myself again and started to dislike what I look like in the mirror. It was such a great time when I actually liked what I saw in the mirror and didn't worry about my big, wobbly belly during the day in whatever it was that I was wearing. I want to get back to that point. Just before Christmas, I felt really great about the way I looked and now.... I feel pretty flabby and unattractive most of the time.

So, here is to getting back on track, a pound at a time, no crazy diets, no banishing certain foods, no deprivation.... just steady, sensible training and diet. I know it works, I know that I have done it before and that I can do it again. I just need to keep it up and not let my new found love sabotage my goals.

Stay tuned in for updates.

M xx

OOTD: Thursday 25th June 2015

I love this outfit!! It's one of my favourite picks from the wardrobe I invested in when I got my job last year. When I bought this top it was tight around my love handles.... but not anymore! It's so loose and floaty now, which makes me want to wear it all the time as it proves to me just how much my body has already changed.

Apologies for the wet hair! I was, again, running a little late this morning! 

M xx

Rolling In The Deep - A Triathlon Diary

Wednesday has become lake day - actually, I'd try and get to the lake every day if I could and if it was open.... I am totally in love with the whole thing. It is so tranquil and just the sound of the swimmers in the lake makes me feel utterly at peace!

I mean, who wouldn't love to spend at evening with this view. Obviously, when you are in the water you don't spend much time looking around but you do know that you are surrounded by so much beauty. 

I was the 126 swimmer in the water on Wednesday (not including new swimmers to the lake - they get there own number/colour system) and by the time I was leaving, the team were signing in swimmer 170. You never feel like there are that many people to fight through when you're in the water though, it feels like you're out there pretty much by yourself which is just lovely after a long day at work. 

And here I am..... looking my best, ready to get into the water for a splash around. I really focused on my stroke on Wednesday. I wanted to work on my hip rotation and pull of my arms under the water. It felt good once I got into a good rhythm and I could feel the difference in speed when I was really pulling with my arm in the right angle under the water. I also worked on my sighting, I want to make sure that I don't lose time by swimming in the wrong direction on race day. My technique is coming along nicely. I think I've got the hang of raising my head to just under the goggle line before going to breathe. It's feeling more and more natural every time I go.

For anyone looking for a new experience or wants to give open water swimming a go - come on down to Shepperton Lake. You will not be disappointed! 

M xx 

An Early Saturday Splash - A Triathlon Diary

I woke up a lot earlier than expected on Saturday morning and I felt surprisingly rested, even though I was waking up before 8am at the weekend. With nothing much to do and wanting to get out of the house, I thought I'd head to the lake for a quick morning dip.  

When I arrived it was a little overcast but the car park was heaving. So much busier than on Wednesday night and I could already hear the rhythmic slapping of the swimming going past. From the lake side you can only really see their arms going through the top half of their rotation and the occasion head bob up if someone is 'sighting' - technical term for 'making sure they are going in the right direction'. It's actually a lot harder than you think it is to keep going in a straight line, to a particular point when you are in the water. 

The weather started to break as I was getting ready by the time I got to the water's edge in all my gear.... looking the best I have ever looked in my life..... there is, unfortunately, no photographic proof of this.... it was glorious!

The first orange buoy you can see in the photo below is the start of both the 400m and the 750m course. You swim out to that buoy, do which ever lap you fancy and then head back in land - this avoids being plowed into by the really super fast semi pro dolphins in wetsuit people who seem to do more than one lap of the 750m course! (Crazy scary fit people)

The water temperature wasn't too bad and the sunshine helped a lot to keep the surface of the water warmer than a few feet down. It was a very uneventful swim session. I did a nice slow lap of the 400m course to get warmed up and relaxed and then took a little break. Bobbed about in the shallows for a while and then went out for another, slightly faster, more intense lap of the 400m course. 

If I head down on Saturday this week.... and if I'm feeling brave...... I might try the 750m course, just to see how it feels to be out in open water for that long. 

Be Prepared! - A Triathlon Diary

Training for a triathlon, I have learnt, is more than just putting in the hours of training. It tests your ability to be prepared and plan ahead! So, I rocked up to school with my normal bag with all my school stuff AND my hug red kit back ready to head to the lake for a swim after After School Club. 

Food (meals/shakes) for day 4 of the C9 programme. All prepped at 6:30am and ready to go! Come back in a few days to read my review of how the C9 programme turned out. 

For any lake swim you're going to need one or even two swimming hats! The water is cold and it's much easier to warm up afterwards when your hair is nice and dry. Plus, it makes you streamlined.... and it looks SUPER attractive! 

Flip flops are always a great shout for wandering around the lake it. There is a whole of goose poo about..... not nice for bare feet! 

And of course! A tri suit..... again, super attractive. I like to train in mine so I get used to the feel of it in the water. You don't even notice it under the wetsuit, it's like a second skin. I don't have a picture of my wet suit but it is, of course, recommended. Some people swim without them but I'm not that brave! 

The moto of a triathlete in training - Get prepped! 

At This Point I'll Try Anything!

I have stuggled with the way I look for years. I can look in the mirror and tear my reflection apart with criticism for the way that my body looks. I find it really difficult to find clothes that I like, clothes that do my body favours. When I look at myself, I don't see the beautiful bits first - I have to work really hard to find them after I've dissected every little thing wrong with my reflection.

At uni, things got a little better. I joined the women's rugby team and started training for at least 8 hours a week. I wasn't even thinking about what I was eating because I was training so much. My diet was horrendous and I drank way too much - but I still managed to drop to 180lbs. I felt great, I was confident, my body actually looked good and I didn't hate buying clothes because I could find stuff that I liked and that fit my body properly.

Then I busted my knee! For nearly 2 years, I could barely walk, let alone run or tackle someone. I gained a whole bunch of weight and went back to hating what I saw in the mirror. I am still there.

Nearly 2 years after my op, I am still a long way from liking what I see. It has taken me a long time to get back to training well, my eating habits have been less than brilliant and quite frankly... some days I just haven't been bothered to try. There are days where I feel like all my efforts are pointless and that it won't work, whatever I try.

A friend of mine is a personal trainer and a really good guy. He did some sessions with me once I was signed off of physio after my operation. It was a really good way to get back into my fitness - having a coach there to push me. There were many times when I was on the verge of throwing up all over his gym but he kept me going. Then I left uni and moved home, got a new job and had to work out to fit working out into a new routine.

He recently recommended the C9 programme to me, it's a detox and cleanse, that is designed to give your metabolism a reboot. It goes hand in hand with the F1 and F2 programmes - which are designed to continue the work started by C9 and aid further weight loss.

It's a little pricey but I had some extra money lying around at the end of the month and as the title of this post suggests, I'm rather desperate. So I thought I'd give it a go. Today is day 1 of the 9 day programme and it's going well so far. The first two days are a total cleanse - there is very little food involved and a lot of shakes and water and supplements to drink. It's got me going to the loo more than is socially acceptable but I'm at home alone so I think that's okay. You can eat veg on the detox. They are called free foods so I'm munching on some spring onions this afternoon as I'm quite peckish!

I don't really know what to expect from this programme but I'm hoping to drop a bit of weight and give my body a chance to reboot and get back on track with weight loss!

Upping my exercise regime again too and will be changing my diet after the detox is finished to a low card, high protein diet to start putting on some muscle for my triathlon.

I know it's all about little steps at a time but I'm finding things very frustrating at the moment.

Watch this space for updates of how the next 9 days go!

M xx

Open Water Frolics - A Triathlon Diary

As my next triathlon draws ever closer, I am throwing myself back into training and mixing it up a little. This time, I am adding a lake swim to the schedule and Wednesday this week was the first swim at Shepperton Lake for me.

After feeling so uncomfortable during my first lake swim at Eton Dorney, I was feeling a little apprehensive about getting into open water again. The whole set up was fantastic with safety staff set up around the lake and a canoe on the water to keep an eye on everyone as well.

For a new swimmer, you have a one to one walk through of the facilities and then a swim check by one of the coaches to make sure that you are safe in the water. After my 'tour' where I was shown the different course, I went to get changed. The courses were mildly terrifying. Unlike the session at Eton Dorney where we just swam between two buoys up and down and then returned to shallow water, at Shepperton the loops are out into the lake and back. There is no shallow water once you set off - once you're committed you've got to keep going until the end (or hail that canoe to come and rescue you). So that was added to my list of concerns about the session.

With wetsuit on, swimming hat sorted and having been reassured that the water wasn't too cold by some other swimmers I went for my swim test. It was fairly low key, a lovely lady just watched me swim out to the first set of buoys and gave me a wave of approval. Sounds easy? Should be but the cold is something that I'm still getting used to. It takes a while for your body to adjust, and putting your face into the water just makes you want to inhale because of the cold. It steals your breathe - quite literally. So, I bobbed slowly out to the first buoys for the swim test, just doing lazy breaststroke. I was competent in the water and my 'spotter' was happy for me to continue but I was still trying to get my breathing under control and my body to get used to the temperature.

It didn't take as long as it did at Eton but it is still a very strange sensation, submerging yourself in murky water and not being able to control your breathing. Once I got into the rhythm of it, however, it felt brilliant! The water wasn't too cold, there weren't too many swimmers on the course and the sun was shining beautifully over the lake. It was idyllic, being in the water as the sun started to set, with the sound of the swimmers around me and birds in the surrounding trees.

Yes, I had the occasionally fleeting thought that there could be something gruesome lurking in the bottom of the lake. Occasionally, I realised that I was way out in deep water and if I got tired, there was no floor for me to take a break on, nor was there a wall for me to push off from at the end of a lane... and there were a few points where I had a mini panic at the seaweed that loomed out of the water at my face (I hate seaweed with a passion - it's slimy and smell and twines itself around your toes.... EURGH!!).

But on the whole, it was just a magical swim. I think I am truly converted to the lake! It was so peaceful, I got out of the water feeling so relaxed. Can't wait to go back next Wedensday. Will try and do two laps of the 400m course. Don't think I'm ready to attempt the 750m course yet.

M xx

I Am Officially Training - A Triathlon Diary

It was very lucky that my first triathlon went so well. The reason for this is because I only had 8 weeks until my second on the day of my first! Which means, while I write my blog post I only have six weeks and 2 days to go! You would think that having done one already, and having done it reasonably well, that I would be excited for the next one.

You think wrong?

I am just as terrified, if not more so, for this one and this is because the swim is in open water. Okay, it's a lake. But it's outside, it's huge and you cannot for the life of you see the damn bottom. Don't get me wrong, I love to swim. Put me in a pool and I can go for hours. The sea? Yes, love it! The waves and funny salty taste. Trying to do handstands with your hands sinking into the sand on the bottom - hours of fun! I've even been lake swimming before and, on the whole, enjoyed it. It was lovely and warm, we were on holiday in Canada and it was a gorgeous lake. The surface was strewn with lily pads and we all waded in and went for a lovely dip....

Here's the problem... (there will be a slight digression, but stick with me, I'll come back to the lake and the triathlon very shortly). I have the worlds most over active imagination! Truth. I have kept myself awake until the early hours of the morning, the hours that NO ONE should ever see, because I convince myself that the characters from the horror movie I have inevitably watched that day are, in fact, very real! I have two examples of this that highlight just how pathetically scared I can become of my own mind.

Example A) It is a very snowy February in the UK (I know, that in itself is just freaky) and school is closed because, obviously, the whole country came to a stand still at the foot and a bit of snow that had dumped itself on us. Both my parents were home and working from home in the office upstairs, Sian was off doing I don't know what and I thought it would a really great idea to watch a movie by myself to pass the time. Yes, I know. A very normal decision to make - I thought so too. A movie to myself. Lovely. What shall I watch? Oh, I know, let's watch Paranormal Activity. Why the hell not?

Those were famous last words, weren't they! Now, for those of you who haven't seen this movie, it's basically a house haunting filmed by the inhabitants of the house. There is a very angry spirit that seems to take over the woman living in the house. (Even writing this, I am starting to feel really uneasy) There is one particular scene where the couple are in bed and the door to their bedroom opens by itself. The woman then wakes up, shrieking that she can feel the demon breathing on her. Here is where I imagination kicks in. I was fine ALL DAY! I didn't even think about the movie once I'd turned it off - the rest of the day passed without any drama and I got into bed. And Oh, holy Jesus, I scared the living daylights out of myself for hours. I went to bed at around 9:30 - 10pm.... I was awake until 5am! I kid you not! Every time I started to drop off, my brain would tell me that I was feeling the demon breathe on me and I would wake up again. It was honestly ridiculous but there you have it - my imagination scared me so much that I stayed awake for 7 hours!!! SEVEN HOURS!

Example B) I can no longer have a dressing gown hanging on the back on my bedroom door. I went to see The Woman In Black in London with one of my closest friends. It was terrific, I'd see it again any day but again, my imagination likes to play tricks on me. There is a part in the show where the Woman In Black stands on a stair case and just watches the young man move around her house. It is chilling - to see the presence of her in the house and see him so oblivious to it. (I am again, starting to get goose bumps and my heart is racing a little) When I got home after the show that night, I was just slightly jittery and couldn't sleep because every time I rolled onto one side of my bed I would catch sight of my dressing gown and freak out that it was The Woman standing at the bottom of my bed. So, once turning on all the lights of course, I got out of bed and put the dressing gown in the wardrobe and there it has stayed ever since.

So yes, my imagination doesn't need much of a seed to be planted before it goes into warp drive and creeps me out completely.

Right, back to the lake and relevancy of this digression. When you are lake swimming, everything is fine and dandy when you are above the water. The water is warm (if it's in summer and the water has been heated by the sun) and you can see everything. The second you put your head under the water it gets really murky really fast. If you pull yourself down into the water further, it gets cold really quickly too. I'm sure some of you can already guess where this is heading. When I was in the lake in Canada, I went into a little mermaid dive, like I had done a million times in a pool and freaking the flip out as I suddenly panicked that the monster in the bottom of the lake might come up and drag me down to the depths. Because I couldn't see, and it suddenly got so cold, my brain went into panic mode. I very quickly made the decision to stay in a lazy breast stroke with my head firmly above the waters surface!

I'm usually a very confident swimmer - as my Dad tells all his work colleagues, I was born with gills behind my ears. I would happily spend hours in the water without a second thought about it. But I was/still am very nervous about swimming in open water before heading out on my bike and then my run. I know it will totally change the feel of my triathlon. For this reason, I attended an official training day, run buy RGactive, a company affiliated with HumanRace, who are running the triathlon at Eton Dorney in July. The day was split into three seminars, one for each event, and three groups rotated round all three seminars with lunch tucked into the middle.

I was swimming first and quite frankly was very happy to get in the water and get it out of the way. Now, as I have said, I am a really confident swimmer and I have never felt more uncomfortable in the water as I did last weekend. It is a whole different ball game swimming in open water than it is in a pool. The first thing to battle with is the cold! It was freezing!! Well, actually, according to the thermometer, the water was actually 19 degrees C but it felt more like 2 maybe 3 degrees. I couldn't breathe, let alone swim. We did some basic warm up stuff, treading water etc. Then we were told to just float. We were all in wet suits and the instructor wanted us to get used to the feel of the buoyancy the wet suits provided. This buoyancy was going to, apparently, make all the difference to our stroke.

Here comes the part where I really panic. We were asked to go on a very short swim, using the modified front crawl stroke we had been taught on dry land. Putting my face in the water has never been more disconcerting. I have never felt panic like that. My body had adjusted to the cold of the water but my face hadn't. When I put my face in the water, my body wanted to draw in breathe. This, under water, is obviously not such a great idea. I could not exhale under the water. It was so weird, I'd never experienced it before and I actually think, that because I'm normally so at home in the water, that I was feeling even more thrown that someone who wasn't too confident in water at all. It took a while, but eventually, I did feel much more relaxed, my face got used to the cold and I could breathe but those first few minutes were horrid. It was a big eye opener to just how different this swim was going to be compared to the pool in Taunton.

The rest of the training day was helpful enough and I learnt some really great tips for the other disciplines as well as nutrition and kit but the swimming is the thing that I will take away the most from. It was so weird not being to swim easily! Luckily, there is a lake near me that does open water swims so I can go and practice more before that actually triathlon day. Got a lot more training to get through before then and hopefully, by race day, I will feel more confident getting my face in the water and I can just focus on the 400 meters that I have to get through without freezing, instead of panicking that I can't breathe!

Fingers crossed eh!

M xx

A Final Result - A Triathlon Diary

I did it! I totally did it! It was terrifying, it was painful, it was stressful but it was 100% worth it. My first triathlon has been completed!!!

The week leading up to my triathlon was not a brilliant one. I was crazy busy at work, I was exhausted and I sprained my ankle so couldn't really do any last minute training. By Saturday morning I was already feeling pretty nervous. I still had 24 hours to go and I was starting to feel the butterflies starting to roll in.

I have recently been elected onto my church's council and Saturday morning was my first away day with the rest of the council. It was a really good meeting with lots of personal and communal steps taken in the right direction for our church and for our own journey's in faith. So, I had that to distract me on Saturday morning, and it did a really good job. From 9am until around 2:30pm, the nerves went away! It was great, I was completely distracted from the fact that I was about to embark on a challenge that I wasn't sure I wanted to do anymore.

The little friend inside my head kept asking the question 'Why did you sign up for this?' and I couldn't really come up with a decent answer. I didn't really know why I was preparing to do a triathlon anymore - all the enthusiasm and the excitement of training and working hard had vanished. All I could see was a 2 hour long session of pain and embarrassment....... at this point it was Saturday afternoon, I still had about 18 hours to go and I was already a bit of a mess.

We (mum and me) left the meeting early and bombed home to set up the car and drive down to Taunton straight away. Dad was being our lovely chauffeur so that both of us could sleep/rest before and after the event without the stress of driving. Thankfully I slept for most of the two and a half hour drive so wasn't feeling obsessing about everything. I think that once there was nothing left to focus on, my head just went into melt down mode about the whole event and the confidence in my training went out of the window.

Saturday afternoon slipped by slowly with a book and some TV, anything to distract my head enough to put the butterflies to sleep for a while. Big carby dinner and then I hit the sheets pretty early. My bed was the most comforatble thing I have ever slept on. My aunty had put two matresses, one on top of the other, because they had a spare and OMG! It was heaven, I had the best night sleep I could ask for before my first triathlon.

On Sunday morning there was still a lot of waiting around. Breakfast and getting ready, waiting for Dad to come back from the dog walk - all the waiting was just making me feel SO sick. Breakfast just made it worse too - the butterflies went to town when I fed them. I swear they were practising for some sort of high speed, death defying stunt show inside my tummy.

We set off for the event in good time, all suited up and everything. Parking was a nightmare - it seemed like half of Taunton and their families had rocked up to watch or compete. They turned the car park of the sports centre into the transition zone so everyone was parked in the residential roads. I think we were about 7 streets away in the end. We joined the river of people in flip flops, with helmets on, bikes and kit bags that was slowly drifting towards the centre. Apparently, the etire for pre triathlon participants is tri suit under pyjamas, flip flops and helmet! It is a fantastic look, I have to say. I joined in with my lovely orange scrub trousers - a gift from the hospital, post op - and donned my helmet, just to complete the trend!

Once we had officially signed in and got marked up with our race numbers! They literally drew the numbers onto our bodies - just incase we lost a limb, said my Dad lovingly, they can match all the limbs up to your bike later.

GEE! THANKS DAD!!! He is so helpful when I am ready to hyperventilate.

We headed to the transition point to set up all our kit. You have to hang your bike is a specific point with all your cycling and running gear ready to go. Once we went in for our breifing we couldn't come back to the transition zone until T1 (where you change from swimming to cycling). This was quite intimidating as I had to be sure that everything was set up perfectly before I left - any mistakes and my transistions would be screwed. Luckily, beacause Mum has done like a million of these (well, 8 now) she knew what she was doing and gave me a hand.

Whilst we were setting up there were people coming out of the pool and going into transition for the bike section so I could watch how they were doing it and how they were getting on. It was calming to see other people going through the motions and not finding it too stressful by the looks of things. You can see people heading off on their bike and going out to their run whilst setting up so you really get a feel for what is going on and how you make it through the whole event.

We went in for our briefing at 11:00am after saying good bye to Dad and one last check list through our station. They took all of us, about 20 people, into a squash court which they had turned into 'The Briefing Room', a guy came in to explain the whole event, health and safety rules, go through the three different courses with us. It was very helpful, for one thing it told me exactly what I needed to do to get through the morning and also, there were at least 6 of us in my wave who were first timers so I felt much better about my lack of confidence.

After our chat we were taken through to the pool side and were given our timing chips. The event was SO well organised! I was wave 11, and we were getting our timing chips sorted, wave 10 were on the other side of the pool being allocated into lanes and stretching, wave 9 were in the water doing their swim and wave 12 were waiting to go into 'The Briefing Room' as we left. It was a like a little clock with all the cogs working to perfection! They were so organised that they labelled my hands with my lane number and the colour of my hat - yes, the COLOUR of my hat - for the lane I was swimming in.

Lane 3 Black hat

Wave 11

And just like clockwork as wave 10 got into the pool, we went round to the other side of the pool to get sorted into our lane groups and have a little warm up and wave 12 came in to get their chips. It was like a train station! I loved it - my OCD was very satisfied with the organisers.

Then, before I knew it, I was in the water with my hat on ready to set off. There were 4 people in a lane, all with a different hat and we set off 10 seconds apart. The pool etiquette was that if you had your toes tapped in the water the person behind you was going to overtake you at the end of the next lane. Mum was actually in the lane with me and off before me so we had already made the agreement that I would overtake her straight away as she knows I'm a faster swimmer. So, after the first length I overtook Mum with no problem, then there was a woman with a white hat in front of me. By the end of the second length I'd gained on her but wasn't close enough to tap her feet. I got her about 2/3 of the way along the third length and tapped her toes... so you would think that she would stop and wait like she was told to. But NO! she turned round as if she was about to push off again so, naughty as it may have been, I cut her up. She knew I'd tapped her and she should have waited so I forced her to. I got a right evil glare but I didn't care - after that there was a lot of space between me and the last person in the lane, a guy in a green hat. He was pretty quick so there was space for me to get into a really good pattern with my stroke. It felt great and I realised by about length 8 that I was gaining on this guy too! This surprised me but only spurred me on more to be honest. My competitive side reared her head and decided to chase him down. I didn't really pick up my speed but I didn't let up at all. Just kept eating into the meters until we were swimming up the same side of the lane together. Then I knew I could get him - and I did!!! 4 lanes to go and pretty much slapped him on the foot (I did feel bad, it was a little aggressive) and over took him! WAHOO! I had lapped every body with 3 lanes to go. With 2 lanes to go they put a little paddle into the water so that you know exactly where you are. I was feeling much more relaxed now that the swim had gone so well. With one lane to go I over took Mum for a second time and powered home to the end.

Hauling  yourself out of the pool after a swim like that knowing that you now have to get onto a bike for 23km is hard! It's a big drag and you feel like the water is trying to pull you back into the pool. The length counter for our lane was really lovely when I got out of the water though, which really gave me a boost.

'Good swim, really lovely stroke, consistent, WELL DONE!' was exactly what I needed to hear as I finished my first stage.

Into transition I went, about 4th out of the pool according to Dad who was giving me a running commentary from the fences of the transition zone. It is not pleasant putting clothes over a wet tri suit but I was glad of the running top once I was out on the bike as it was chilly! My transition was pretty slow - will need to work on that for the next one - which meant that I left for the bike behind people who left the swimming pool after me. That was a little frustrating but I was still doing okay and I was wasn't too worried about my time at this point.  My sub 2 hour goal was still well within my grasp so off I went.

The course was really hilly! It was all up or down, I don't think there was much of it that was actually flat. Mum caught me up just before the half way turn and we played tag for most of the way back. I need to work on my recovery after a big hill as that is where I lose power. At one point, at the top of the most horrendous hill ever, I had a little dry heave - all the lactic build up made me feel horrendous! Mum went past me there again and that was where I lost her. I slowed down to recover from the almost vomiting situation and she vanished into the distance. Thankfully, after that, it was pretty much downhill back to the sports centre so I did gain ground on her again and we came back into transition pretty much one after the other. I knew that was the last time I'd see Mum until the end though as she is a much faster runner than I am. She set off and just vanished into the distance!

There was a lot of encouragement coming from Dad which was brilliant, I definitely needed the boost. Although, all I could should back was 'I CAN'T FEEL MY TOES!!' which he seemed to find very amusing.

I set off on a shuffle more than a run and headed out for 2 laps of a 2.5km circuit. It's so horrible to try and get your body to adjust from cycling to running - breathing goes out of the window for starters. I felt like someone had tied and elastic band around my lungs too tight! They were expanding but not enough. I couldn't quite see how I was going to manage another 35+mins out on the course. My legs were screaming at me 'what the hell are you doing? Why are we still moving? WHAT!' But I knew that it would get easier as long as I kept going. I got a seriously painful stitch about 1/3 of the way round the first lap which was really not ideal. It was horrible so my shuffle slowed even more and then, because people are funny and the course directors like a giggle, I turned a corner and hit the most monstrous hill! I mean, it was more of a small mountain than a hill, it just kept going, I couldn't see the top because the hill veered round a corner and vanished behind a hedgerow.

I swear, one half of the 2.5km lap was just a hill! It was horrid, I couldn't do it - I walked and jogged and walked and jogged as much as I could until I got to the top. I was a little disappointed but still - it was just MONSTROUS and there were lots of other people who were struggling with it too. The encouragement from the other participants was brilliant. Everyone was really chatty and positive out there which made the whole thing much easier to get through. Second lap was just as tough but I managed to run more of the hill second time around as my stitch was gone. All together my run was SLOW but the thought of my two hour time kept me going when I really didn't want to run anymore. Coming round the final corner was excellent, I could see the finish line and Mum and Dad were going crazy for me. The commentator was chatting me in too. He must have had everyone on a system as he was calling me by name as I approached the finish. It was such a brilliant feeling! Getting to the finish line without any major injuries and within my time goal too! I was SO happy.

What I loved was, because of the timing chip on my ankle, I could get my times immediately!

I GOT A PB!!!! My swim time was the fasted I've swum in about 6 years! I was impressed. Bit frustrated with my transition times but that is something I'll get more used to as I get more experienced with triathlons in general. 

My bike was fine - I think I'll have to get skinnier tiers if I want to shave major amounts of time off of that. And some more power in my legs after a hill climb.

And the run, well, when my general fitness improves and I can actually manage the massive hill, it should be quicker than that!

But I was really proud! I finished. I actually did it and I enjoyed it too. I have definitely got the bug now.

Me and Mum after we'd finished.

7 weeks tomorrow until the next one!!

BRING IT ON!
Check in soon

M xx

Throwing Out The Scales

**UPDATE**

Measurements - 16/05/15 
Waist - 94cm (-8cm since February 2015)
Widest part of stomach - 112cm (-3cm since April 2015)

Not a bad week. Losing a centimeter over my body whilst not doing much is fine by me. I have been so tired this week that exercise has been the thing that 'just didn't get done' this week so I'm happy that I've still shrunk.

Wouldn't it be great if there was a tumble drier for the larger person and you could literally shrink yourself - just like you tend to shrink your favourite jumper. That would be brilliant!

Anyway, I'm hoping to get more training in this week after my triathlon tomorrow as I need to start working on my long distance run. I've got a 10km run in July.

Measurements - 09/05/15 
Waist - 94.5cm
Widest part of stomach - 112.5cm

You know, even after making 7.5cm progress and knowing that my clothes fit better is all well and good when I'm trying on clothes that used to fit anyway and now just look even better than they did because they aren't quite so tight or 'form hugging' anymore. It still, however, is HUGELY depressing when you are trying on the 2/3 of your wardrobe that you are trying to slim into and none of it fits.... STILL! I have a really lovely collection of dressed and skirts and beautiful floaty tops that I still cannot wear because I'm still too much of a whale to get into them.

This is how much my weight affects me - I can go from being really proud of myself at 9am and by 1pm I'm frustrated and upset because I can't get into the dress that I would have really like to have worn to a social dance tonight. Yes, I found an alternative outfit that doesn't look too bad but it's still not the one I wanted to wear and I won't be able to wear it for a while because there is a gap about 6 inches (if not more) wide between each side of the zipper. I find this part of weight loss incredibly disheartening - even with the achievments that I have made so far, I am getting very little reward for them. It makes it even harder to keep going because I feel like my efforts aren't working anyway so why continue. Obviously, I am aware that this is the worst head space to be in as I really won't achieve anything if I don't keep going but it is truly aggravating to know that even if you lose another inch around your middle, you still won't be slipping into your favourite 'going out' dress because you need to lose another 4 or 5 after that......

Back to reassessing everything that goes into my mouth and cutting out EVERY SINGLE little treat I have for a while I think. This is doing my nut in.

Rant over.... for now.......

09:58am - On a health and fitness kick.... I have been trying to lose weight for years to very little avail. I had a knee injury and operation that put me out of action for basically 2 years and that meant that my rugby playing fitness and 180lb body went out of the window. I gained nearly 60lbs due to boredom, depression and being stationary for 18 months. I went from training 10 hours minimum a week to doing pretty much nothing because I was in so much pain.

Getting back into a fitness regime and weight loss diet has been a struggle but since September 2014 I've been really trying to shift some pounds. It was going really well until Christmas. I lost 10lbs and felt like I was making some really progress. Then, the scale just froze at 225lbs - I was still exercising and eating well but it just stopped. Major plateau - and it hasn't moved since. Not in 4 months! So, for last few weeks after getting totally frustrated with myself and what I was doing I have started to measure myself. The scale isn't moving but I KNOW that my body is changing because I can fit into clothes that I haven't worn since before the injury.

So tape measure out and away we go.

Here are my results from when I started to measure myself and the progess that has been made (most recent measurements at top of list).

Measurements - 09/05/15 
Waist - 94.5cm (-7.5cm since February 2015)
Widest part of stomach - 112.5cm (-2.5cm since April 2015)

Measurements - 02/05/15
Waist - 95cm
Widest part of stomach - 113.5cm

Measurements - 25/04/15
Waist - 95cm
Widest part of stomach - 113.9cm

Measurements - 18/04/15
Waist - 96.5cm
Widest part of stomach - 115cm

Measurements - 24/02/15
Waist - 102cm

Like An Elephant At A Water Park (Possible Second Title - The Beached Whale Effect) - A Triathlon Diary

Why did I sign up in the first place? I really do not remember what on earth gave me the ludicrous idea of entering into a triathlon.

I mean, who in their right mind would volunteer to swim 400m, then cycle 23km and then, just to top it off, run a 5km?? SERIOUSLY?? Oh yeah, I did! That was me!

Now that the week is over and there is nothing else to focus on, I have realised just how nervous I am about Sunday morning.

Yes, I have been training but with a crazy weekend, I didn't make it out for last weekends brick session and then this week, I've been exhausted and in bed before 9pm most nights. I have had no energy to get out and train so I am a little worried that I have lost the fitness capacity to make it round the course.

I have 3 goals in mind and if I achieve any of them, I will be very pleased....God, I do not want to do this. Just writing this, I am feeling sick.

Anyway.....
Goal 1) To finish!!!!
Goal 2) To not walk during the 'run' phase of the event.
Goal 3) To complete the whole thing is under 2 hours.

If I can do any or all of these then I will definitely be crying crossing the finish line. This will be the first really big milestone that I have achieved since recovering from my knee surgery and will hopefully mark the progress that I have made as well as proving to me, most of all, that I am capable of great things and that my body can be a powerful machine when I treat it right. Hopefully, this weekend will serve a catalyst for more positive change in my body image and lifestyle.... and help me to get fitter and slimmer in the long run.

As Mum keeps saying, this is only a training event for my triathlon in July but I am still feeling immense pressure to do well at this point. I think, because Mum is a seasoned triathlete, I feel like I should know what I'm doing and should do as well as she will. That will, of course, be impossible as she is super fit and much faster than me when it comes to running.

I am slightly (please read 'incredibly') uncomfortable about wearing my tri suit. I basically look like a whale in it and will spend a great deal of time feeling self conscious in it. No doubt, I will be surrounded my proper athletes and their size 6 bodies whilst I gulumph around like an elephant at a water park.....

Anyway.....
I shall have a full report in less than 48 hours of how it all went... and how badly I will probably have done. Keep your fingers and toes crossed, people...... ARRGHHH!! Someone hide me away until Monday.

M xx