And just a small disclaimer that this post is based on my personal experience of Separation Anxiety only, and does not cover all symptoms/diagnoses or experiences.
Here goes....
When I was a child, I did not struggle with any sort of separation anxiety at all. I was never brilliant with goodbyes but many children struggle with that, it was nothing out of the ordinary. As a young adult, I was confident to leave the house, be away from my family, moved 250 miles away for university without a second thought. I didn't show any signs of any sort of separation anxiety at all!
If I am totally honest, I didn't even really know that adults could suffer from separation anxiety until I started presenting symptoms of it and becoming pretty unwell.
As I said, I can only base this on my experience and what I have read but for me, I can trace my anxiety back to a definite 'trauma point' when I started to experience really aggressive outbursts, rage, depression, intense jealousy and overwhelming anxiety in waves and cycles that was exhausting.
Martin went to Dallas for 10 days to watch Wrestlemania during the Easter holidays of 2016. Over that 10 days, I experienced one of the worst bouts of depression I can remember going through. I was just flat and vacant. I spent almost 4 days in bed with the curtains drawn, not sleeping, not eating, just panicking about what might be going on in Dallas. My mind created endless worst case scenarios that played on a loop in my head and even text messages from Martin didn't help. If anything, they made it worse, when he text I would become immediately, irrationally angry. I mean red mist furious, and unexplicably jealous of him being away, of him having fun without me, of him enjoying something that I had no way of being a part of..... and then I would feel so alone and sad and empty and guilty for my horrendous outbursts.
It wasn't until about a year later that I discovered that everything I has experienced were very common adults expressions of separation anxiety.
By definition separation anxiety, at its extreme levels, may be quite noticeable. Those with an overwhelming attachment to a close relative to the point where they cannot leave their side without experiencing a panic attack are very likely to be suffering from separation anxiety.
Now, I have never been this bad. I can leave Martin without having a panic attack. I can go to work, see family, go to the gym without really thinking about it. But there are certain situations where my anxiety takes over and can be very overwhelming.
I have definitely suffered many of the symptoms below, typical of those who suffer with ASAD (Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder)
Extreme Jealousy -
Sometimes even just jealousy at the fact that Martin is out without me. Regardless of who he is with, I just get ridiculously jealous. A quality that makes me feel very ashamed of myself.
Researchers say that "some forms of deep jealousy may be due to separation anxiety, where the individual becomes far less trusting because they're subconsciously worried that someone will leave them. This is especially true if the jealousy is accompanied by anxious thoughts, such as a fear of being alone or irrational concerns about infidelity."
This is me at my most irrational. In a nutshell. Something I am not proud of, but when I am in the midst of an anxiety attack, I often convince myself that Martin is going to leave me.
But when the panic sets in, it can be impossible to ignore the voices that take over inside my head. It can be a horrible, overwhelming, disorientating experience when a panic attack really takes hold and there isn't a lot anyone can do when it starts to take hold.
Martin has sat beside me on more than one occasion as I've gone through one and not been able to do anything but hold me until it passes.
Excessive worry about losing these figures.
Anxious, "worst case scenario" thinking about separation.
For me, these two go hand in hand. I am a real worse case scenario, what if worrier. When if an anxious frame of mind, especially if the separation has come out of the blue, like an unplanned 'oh, I'm off down the pub' when I haven't been given any notice of him going out, I will spend hours imagining the worst things that could happen to Martin or to me when we are apart. things including getting hurt, getting lost, kidnapping, getting caught in a terrorist attack, accidents... all sorts! It's exhausting and scary and once it starts, completely uncontrollable.
Trouble sleeping when away from a specific person.
This is so true. When we are apart, I really struggle to sleep. Even if I'm at home in our bed, I found it really tough to sleep without Martin next to me.
Since working out where my anxiety started, I have been able to try and control it to some extent with little routines that I have put it place when Martin goes out. I try to spend the time on self care now, so I'll paint my nails, wash my hair, spend time working on mindfulness colouring, meditate. Just spend time working on me and looking after me so that I'm not obsessing over the fact that Martin is away.
Martin has been amazing too, trying to make sure that he gives me lots of notice if he has plans so that I can either make plans of my own or make sure I have something to do at home to keep me busy - cue self care plans!
The actual anxiety attack is really hard to explain because I know how irrational it is but it's not something you can control.... and depending on how it comes I might become really angry and agitated and aggressive (my least favourite, because I don't feel anything like myself when that happens) or I become really low and despondent and almost shut down.... which can also be scary because I become really detached from the world around me and that harks back to other mental health issues that I have battled and beaten before.
I don't really know how all of that is going to come across to all of you reading this but this is something that is really close to my heart and something that I feel should have it's awareness raised.
I have been aware of my separation anxiety for about a year now but haven't really started speaking about it until the last few months because, basically, I feel really nervous that people would either tell me that I was being ridiculous and that it would colour their opinion of me. I don't want people to think that I'm a crazy, unstable person. I also suppose that I know how I think about myself for how I behave during an anxiety attack and I assume that other people will judge me the same or worse so it has sometimes been easier not to say anything and risk upsetting people.
In today's society, I think it is so important to embrace and accept other people's stories and experiences because you really don't know what is going in someone's head. Everyone is fighting their own battle and who are we to judge if someone else's is more or less than yours.
I hope that this blog post helps someone reading it to have the courage to speak up about something in their life that they are hiding. Since I started sharing my anxiety with friends and family, it has become so much easier to handle. I have been able to reach out to people when I felt the anxiety taking hold and not had to deal with it alone.
I think I just wanted to speak out about it. There is still so much stigma around mental health and actually feels really good share it. Who knows, maybe there is someone that is given courage or confidence from this post.
