.... because you are beautiful now!

Hey everyone!

I'm back from holiday - a few days early as the weather sucked the majority of the time and we ended up walking around on a mud bath! After a lovely, all be it wet, time away it's time to get back to business.

I've been feeling a bit stuck in a rut really. When I joined Slimming World, I was really determined - I lost 1st 8lbs steadily from January to April and was really happy with the progress. Things sort of stalled there and then through various circumstances that I've mentioned in previous blog posts, the weight loss stopped. I'm still there at 1st 8lbs and have bounced around it for months. I need to get back on track and some of the photos that were taken on this holiday have acted a bit of an incentive to do so.

Firstly, posting these photos is a difficult thing for me to do. It makes me feel very exposed and vulnerable so please be kind with your thoughts and comments. If there is something that you don't like when you see the pictures - please just close my blog instead of leaving something nasty in the comments. Thanks! :)

I really ummed and eerrred about posting these. It makes me feel very nervous but I don't want to hide parts of my journey. This is the stage I am at now. I read a blog whilst I was away that really inspired me too - it was all about loving your body at every stage of the journey and that is something that I am trying to do. My body is my body no matter what size it is or what the scale says so why should I abuse it with unkindness, displeasure and self hatred - things that I have asked others not to do and wouldn't ever treat anyone else. I don't want to go through the next steps of my journey hating myself all the way. I need to love the body that I have, treat it with the respect that it deserves so that I can get to my goals faster!

Although the weather was pretty naff on holiday, we did get to the beach for a few days. Whilst we were there, my fiance took these pictures of me reading. I would normally have criticised everything I could find wrong with the pictures and then delete them. But this time, I wanted it to be different. So I decided that I would blog them instead! Why not make it all totally public??

Then a funny thing happen. The more I actually looked at the pictures, I couldn't really find anything that I hated. I mean, there are still things I want to change about my body but I don't look anywhere near as awful as I thought I would. Then I started thinking about how I felt that day on the beach. It was a great day - the sun was out, the sound of the waves roaring across the sand was in the distance, I felt relaxed and calm. I have already come so far on my journey and I am proud of the steps that I have already taken to change the person that I am into the person that I want to be.

These photos gave me such a confidence boost that I actually treated myself to a new swimsuit for the next day on the beach. This is was a HUGE step for me as I would normally want to hide my body in black and cover up as much as possible. But I am celebrating my body and trying to believe that every step is beautiful.... so I bought this.....

It's bright and patterned, halter neck and pretty much backless. I felt pretty nervous about trying it on but I was excited too. I wanted to see what I looked like in something a little more sexy.

I was really surprised to not feel repulsed by these pictures. I actually felt that I looked okay. Especially from the back, it's obviously not an angle that you normally see yourself from and I was really surprised to see how good my waist looks in this. Actually, from the back there is very little that I don't like about my body in this photo.... apart from the weird burn/tan lines that I have going on! Even from the front.... which I like less..... there isn't a lot that I can find fault with. I wish my thighs were smaller, and my stomach flatter but my boobs look great and my arms are getting all lean again! So, yes, I am loving my body at every stage....

Then I found one last photo that Martin had taken by mistake as I reached for my phone back and that was where the wobble happened..... and this is the photo that makes me really anxious about posting this blog.... this photo was taken......

And wow! I almost lost it. That tiny waist I was just looking at was gone. My thunder thighs were back and my stomach was bulging about in line with my boobs which made me so embarrassed. I mean, is this what people see when they look at me on a daily basis? How can this be my body? How could I have let myself get so out of control that this is what I look like now.....? 

I had to stop myself from bursting into tears and getting my maxi dress out of the bag to cover up. I went back to the first two photos and called back into my mind all the positive things I had said about myself. I reminded myself of how good I felt the day before lying on the beach reading, calm... at peace with myself. 

So.... my stomach is not okay right out! I am not happy with it.... yet. But there are lots of things about my body that I am happy with. I know that my body has changed lots since January because of the weight that I have already lost. I know that I still have a lot of changing to do but that is okay. 

I've got 84 days until I go wedding dress shopping, that's 84 days to make great choices with my food, my workouts and to work on my self love/worth so that when I step into those gowns and find the one that I'm going to wear on my wedding day I feel like a rock star. And I will. I will get to my target weight, I will feel and look amazing in my wedding dress and feel confident, proud and in control of eating addiction. 

I might not be happy with where I am now but I am learning to love my body now so that I can love it more later on. I will keep fighting for my goals and acknowledging the progress that I make along the way.

Love your body now.

Accept you for who you are now.

Allows yourself to see the progress that you have already made and celebrate now.

Embrace the change that is still yet to come.

You are beautiful now...... whatever stage of your journey you are at. 

Be kind to yourself

xx  

Underwater Revelations

Hey everyone!

First of all, I just want to say thank you! I couldn't believe how many views/reads that my last post got. Huge thanks to those of you who commented. Your support and encouragement is such great motivation for me! I hope you will continue to enjoy following me on my journey.

So, yesterday was weigh in day and I was really excited to see what I'd achieved. I knew that I'd been on plan this week so was hoping for big things! I lost 3lbs.... que mini celebration dance. Apparently, when you are on slimming world and stick to plan, you lose weight. Who knew?!

Feeling really motivated after my great loss and because I am now on summer holidays, I decided to go for a swim this morning. It has been way too long since I got into the pool - probably more than 6 months. Swimming is something that I love to do, it is my zen time. The pool is where I manage to get all my thoughts in order and sort out anything that is bothering me, whilst doing a little body magic and getting some toning done.

Usually, or should I say when I'm swimming regularly and have some level of physical fitness, I can swim a mile (64 lengths) in just over half an hour without question. Today was a different kettle of fish entirely. It hurt. It was hard. I had to really focus on my rhythm and my breathing - my body wasn't used to the breathing pattern I usually swim with, I was struggling to stay under the water as long I normally do. I had to shorten my stroke pattern so that I could breathe. My shoulders ached from the rotation, my kick was off. When I broke the surface or turned at the end of the lane, my face was actually hot out of the water - a sensation I am not used to. I felt so out of control, it was such a different feeling being in the pool out of practise than being in it when I can fly through the water and feel totally at one with the water. Today I was fighting it. (I realise that this sounds very zen and over dramatic but it's the best way I can describe how I was feeling this morning.)

The whole time I was swimming, I was thinking about this week and how I was proud of the successes I had made. I was thinking about how I'd managed to take back control from food demons, stay focused one meal at a time, not thinking about anything more than that, just making sure that one meal at a time I made it through the week on plan. Whilst I was thinking about one meal at a time, I was telling myself, just one more length - you can handle one more length. So I kept swimming, one length at a time and kept reflecting on my week.

I'd felt so out of control over the last month, with all the engangement celebtraions, half term, feeling unwell, being busy at work with the end of term rush..... all these things that forced me to be out of control. Then I thought about this week - I'd been to a family BBQ, it had been the end of term, I'd been to my new school for swap day where there was lots of cake and other goodies to say well done for the year and good luck for swap day. I'd been rushed - not able to always prepare meals in advance.... and I'd still lost 3lbs. How had I managed to stay in control this week and not over the last month when I had been just as busy?

That's when it hit me - Control is not a person who lives inside your head and decides to work some days and not others. Control is not something that works for you or lets you down. You are the control and chose when you want to use it. I could have decided not to indulge over the month where I was seeing friends and family who wanted to celebrate our special news. I could have chosen to not stay off plan for an extra day here or there because I'd already ruined my week. It was all my decision. This week I decided to stay in control - to embrace it, to enjoy it and to feel damn well proud of the control that I had. It felt so good to be able to go out and socialise and know that I was still sticking to plan, enjoying what I was eating and not feeling deprived even though those around me were indulging far more than I was.

If there is someone reading this today that is feeling out of control, or that they don't know how to get it back here are a few things that have helped me that you could think about.

1) Take it one meal at a time. One hour at a time if you have to. Stay in control where you can and really celebrate it when you do (but not with food/booze, as that kind of defeats the point - trust me, I could have so easily ordered a MASSIVE pizza last night to celebrate my weight loss but I know I would have felt so frustrated at myself afterwards for it).

2) Stop doubting. One really big barrier for me is all the previous times I have tried to lose weight, keep it off and failed. Why is this time any different? Why should I be successful this time? There is often a little voice in the back of my head telling me that I can't do it. That I will never be where I want to be, that I will never be beautiful. That I will never reach my goals. This week I told that voice to take a running jump of a cliff - I do not and will not let my disordered mind take over. My food addicted, self loathing, body hating 15 year old self stills lives inside my head - she probably always will but I know now that she is a part of my past. Instead of doubting youself, affirm yourself. Whatever works for you. Write affirmations on a mirror. Have them as the background on your phone. Stick them on your fridge door! Tell yourself what it is you really need to hear - not what the doubting voice inside is telling you.
You are a rockstar! You are awesome! You are powerful! You are strong! Whatever it is you want to feel, tell yourself that you are that - you deserve to feel empowered by yourself. Stop tearing yourself down and build yourself up instead.

3) Find a goal! This week, whenever I have wanted to cheat, or have that extra syn or go off plan - I've gone to my phone and looked at all of the pictures of wedding dresses I'm going to go and try on in few months. All of a sudden, that biscuit or piece of toast or whatever it was didn't seem so appealing - that wedding dress and the way I feel in it on the day I become Mrs Cooper is SO much more important than a piece of toast because I'm bored.

All of that happened in my head in 25mins!

I'm off on holiday for 2 weeks camping on Monday morning and I have a busy weekend of socialising ahead, so I will be arming myself with will power, determination and diet coke! We are catering for ourselves when we go away so that will help us stay more in control of what we eat but I'm sure there will be a few treats along the way. We are on holiday after all.

Remember - anyone out there feeling lost, or out of control - take a deep breath and start with one meal. Once that is out the way, you can think about the next meal. But start with one meal and be proud of yourself for taking the first step. I know you can do this!

Check in with you all soon,
Megan :) xx

The Ultimate Motivation!

Hey everyone!

It turns out that the best way to keep myself accountable is when I'm blogging/posting everything on social media for all my friends/followers to see. So here I am again, to stay on the straight and narrow and share my journey over the next year with you.

It has been way too long - it turns out that the life of a teacher does not leave a lot of time for blogging.... or anything else as it happens.

So I think it's time for a little catch up. Since the last time that I posted on here a lot of stuff has happened in my life.

I joined Slimming World on January 3rd this year, and since then I've lost 1st 8lbs which I am so proud of. I have a long way to go but I now have the ultimate motivation because on the 1st June, I got engaged!

I couldn't be happier - I am now the future Mrs Cooper. It's a little over a year until I get married and 100 days until I go wedding dress shopping for the first time.

For the last month, I've been feeling a little out of control, not staying to plan, not staying to group, eating crap, self sabotaging basically. This week I decided enough is enough - my wedding is something that I absolutely do not want to look back on with regret and I know that a lot of that will depend on how I look.

It seems vain, sure, but I have struggled with how I looked at some many occasions. So many parties, Christmases, my graduation, family birthdays where I've looked at the photos and been shocked at how I look, been disappointed at how big I look in them. I don't want to feel like that looking at my wedding photos. I know that Martin couldn't give a monkeys - he loves me regardless of my size - and I couldn't be more thankful for that but for me, I want to feel comfortable and confident on my day - not self conscious. I want to be able to enjoy going shopping for my dress without worrying about how large I am or how flabby I look!

This week has a been a totally different story - I had a look online at one of the bridal shops that I definitely want to go to in October and saw some absolutely stunning dresses - dresses that I REALLY want to try on and I feel more focused than ever. I know that I can do it this time. Slimming World has really made me feel that I can manage my food addiction (because that is 100% what I have) and stay in control of it for the future. I'm taking it one day at a time, planning my eating, staying hydrated and reminding myself that I want to do this for a really important reason.

I already feel so much better having lost over a stone and a half - my clothes fit better, I feel more confident wearing my clothes and have even bought some new clothes that I love wearing now.

I've set myself a mini goal of losing a stone in the next 100 days before I go wedding dress shopping, I feel that that is a good goal and will help we feel more confident as I try all the dresses on. If I can achieve my goal I will have lost 2 and a half stone in 10 months and I'm hoping that will make me more comfortable in the big white gowns!!!!

Exciting times ahead. I'm going to try and check in every weekend from now until then and update you all with my progress. Hope you can stay with me and follow my journey leading up to the big day!

Wish me luck
M xx

365 Days: The Wake Up Call

On Sunday, I woke up pretty early and felt quite determined to start my training for the Hampton Court half marathon.

I haven't run for months so I knew that it wasn't going to be much fun. In a word, it was AWFUL! I was still recovering from a really chesty cough plus being horrendously unfit. The first km was fine and after that, it was agony. I couldn't run the whole way, I had to stop twice to catch my breath because my chest was in so much pain. I was really unhappy with how far I've let myself go. I can still remember what I felt like when I used to be able to run 2 or 3 10ks in a week and now I can't even run 3km without stopping for a break.

I know that in the last few months I've really not treated my body well. I've over eaten, drank way too much booze and not done nearly enough exercise. I knew it wasn't going to be a good run because of all of this but it was definitely a wake up call as to how much work I have to do to get back into shape. My fitness is something I always used to value, even when I was still over weight I was quite fit so I was happy that I could run and not feel like I was struggling. 

In a way, it's a good starting point because it can't get any worse. I mean, not unless I fall over or run in front of a car or something. So, it can only get better from this point onwards. I can only hope that the next time I go out on a run, I can get the whole way round without stopping and then I'll think about extending my running route.

I've done 3km now, only 18 more to train for. I've made a start and that's the main thing. Just need to keep going now.... things can only get better......

Check back soon for more runs and hopefully, more updates on weight loss.

Megan :)

365 Days: Do It Together!

For a lot of us trying to lose weight, half the battle is staying motivated. Staying accountable. This has always been really tough for me - going it alone always ends up with me giving up, buying a box of pity chocolates and demolishing them in one sitting. 

This time around, I've got my lovely man to do it with. We've come to agreement that we are doing this together. Each week, we have set ourselves the target of losing 3lbs between us. (Or 1.5lbs each) We are putting £5 each into a kitty - if we lose the weight, we can keep the money or spend it on a treat, or stick it savings for up and coming events. If we don't lose the weight, we pick a charity to donate the money to each week. So, we'll see over the next few weeks how much money we can save and how much of it goes to charity. 

I think it's really important to have a support network around you when you are trying to lose weight. It can get really tough, especially if the weight is coming off or you're working really hard and still not seeing the results you want. At that point, it's vital to have people around you who understand what you are going through and are able to keep you focused whilst you get through the dreaded plateaus. 

The times that I have been most successful are the times where I've been focused on my weight loss with someone else, doing a scheme such as Weight Watchers or training as part of a team. 

This week, I started training for the half marathon in February, and using the running app strava. It's a brilliant way of being held accountable. Lots of my friends are on strava and follow me, some of them are doing the half marathon with me so it's great that they can see when I run. It also means that if they go out for a training run, I can see it which will (hopefully) motivate me more to get out, pounding the pavement. 

The plan with Martin is to get back to swimming.... at least that was the plan until we found out that our local pool is closing until the new year so that they can re-tile it all. So, that has put that part of the plan on hold. We are going to have to rethink these strategies to work out ways of working out together outside of the swimming pool. He refuses to come running with me though - which is sad because I think the competitive streak in me would come out and make me run further if there was someone with me. 

Looking forward to getting onto some longer runs over the next few weeks. 

Check in soon,

Megan :) 

365 Days: Have Something To Work Towards!

With no sign of things calming down at work at the moment, I've had to give myself some serious goals to work towards. The last few weeks have been literally mental! Half term came and went in the blink of an eye. I spent the week off seeing friends, catching up on sleep, being treated to a night away for our anniversary...... and not much time at all working out. I did lots and lots of walking but no runs, no swims, no classes..... NOT GOOD!

So, because it seems I cannot get myself exercising unless I have a goal to work towards, I have set myself two challenges between now and February half term! The aim is to get me up and moving around so that some of this spare tyre goes away. I'd like to look a little slimmer in the family Christmas photos this year!

The first challenge I have set myself is a swim challenge. At my gym, the pool has this gadget called a SwimTag. I'd never heard of it before until I started swimming there - basically, it's a pedometer that you wear in the water, around your wrist and it tracks your swim. How many lengths you've swam, the time you swam for, the time you rested for in the pool between your lengths, your average pace - all sorts! SwimTag links up to a website which keeps logs of all the swims you have done whilst wearing a swimtag wrist band.

Another feature of the website, is it's virtual challenge set up. You can 'swim' around parts of the world, different landmarks, cities, islands, canals etc. It's great fun and a little challenge never hurt anyone. My parents when to Venice for their wedding anniversary this year and had a wonderful time and because of that, I have set myself the challenge to swim around Venice before Christmas. Every time I swim, I will put on a swimtag and it should update the meters I swim in the pool online. I have to finish the challenge by Dec 31st this year. I want to start a new swim challenge in the new year.

I've not done my first swim yet, but once I have, I'll screen shot the updates and post them in a blog entry.

The second challenge that I have given myself is a little more long term. I am going to run a half marathon in February. The Hampton Court half marathon. It's been a long time since I have done any running and even longer since I've been in a run/race (apart from my triathlon). The longest distance I have ever run is a 10K so I am really excited to push myself past my last achievement and extend my running ability.

Also, for me, running is the best way to shift some pounds. So to have a major goal, which means major training, will hopefully really get the weight dropping off. First training happening today - hopefully do 5km and see what my time is like. I've got a long time to train so I'm hoping to bring my times down on my distances as well as get used to longer runs.

I downloaded Strava onto my phone yesterday to track my running and I've added a few friends who are also training for the half marathon. Just another way to keep myself accountable. If I see that they are running and I haven't... I'm sure as hell going to need to go for a run too! Hopefully, that'll mean we all do a good amount of training before the run.

I'm actually really excited for this half marathon, it'll be a great way to get to my goal, really improve my fitness and muscle tone and it'll be a huge achievement which should spur me on to keep going. As the race approaches in February, sign ups should open for my next HumanRace triathlon too - just another event to work towards.

Stay tuned for updates on my first few workouts working towards both of my challenges!

Megan  

365 Days: Sometimes life happens.... and that's okay.

I've been talking to a few of my friends about this blog and they've said that they like it because it's so honest... and that is something that I always strive to be.

I am not a fitness queen, I do not eat well all the time, I do work out enough. I am aware of all of that. What I am is honest and hard working and I have a goal in mind.

This week was exactly what I thought it would be - manic! I didn't make it to the gym once, I ate a lot of chocolate as I was going through all my assessments for my class this half term! Maths, reading, and writing for 34 kids is a lot of hours.... and that requires chocolate to keep going. I have not and never will have an iron will power that lets me be perfect all the time. And hell, if being perfect all the time and eating X amount of calories a day.... I don't want to be. I like cake and chocolate and cheat nights. That is life - we can't be on point every day, all day for ever. It's not realistic.

What I can do is try my best to get it right most of the time. Work small amounts into my already hectic routine and be careful with what I eat.

When I was 17 and going through some pretty rough times, I would punish myself for 'falling off the wagon'. I would starve myself for a day or more if I ate what I deemed to be the 'wrong' food or too much food. I'd totally restrict myself of as much food as possible and then binge when I was starving and the cycle would start again. So, over the years, I have learned that restriction is not the answer for me. It only leads to binge episodes and a downward spiral.

Only thing that I have definitely learned over the last 4 years of weight loss and weight gain, is that life happens. Someone throws a party - go and have fun (ie drink a bit too much alcohol). Someone has a birthday at work - have a slice of cake with them. You have a really crappy week at work and you can't be bothered to cook - order a pizza. It's life. Live it.

Okay, so don't do that every time something goes wrong and don't totally blow out every party but it is okay to let go every now and again and forget that you're on a diet.

It's a lifestyle, a life long decision and personally, I don't think it's realistic to never eat cake, or to never have a glass of wine on a Friday. You have to be realistic. I mean, sure, if I had better will power, I was more rigid in my routine and my diet, I'd lose the weight faster, but I'd be bored as hell and have no fun....

So, this week, I haven't gotten on the scale. I know that I won't have lost any weight, so why give myself the moral shattering moment of actually seeing that. I know that this week I have to get back on track a little and I will. But I'm also not going to obsess over the fact that this past week has not been good. I will reach my goal and I will succeed.

But I'm going to eat the odd bar of chocolate along the way.

I hope that in some ways, some where, someone reading this can relate and maybe this will make someone feel like they aren't failing or doing badly because they too, haven't had the best week either.

I'm not going to write things that aren't true, nor will I apologise for that - this is my reality, this is how I will achieve my goals and this is what my life is really like.

I hope this reaches other very busy, very driven chocoholics.

Check in soon.

Megan.