They say bad things come in threes, don't they? Well I think 'warnings' come in threes too!
As some of you may be aware, I've struggled with my weight for a number of years, gaining and losing various amounts of weight but never managing to get down to the real weight I wanted to and keeping it off. There have been numerous reasons for this, including a serious injury, depression, laziness, being happy in a relationship is the newest addition to this list. And yes, they are all also excuses as to why I have lost control and gained weight again.
I had three 'warnings' hit me in quite quick succession that told me a few things that lead to one conclusion. You are out of control, you have gained a significant amount of weight in a rather short space of time, you are NOT happy with the way your body looks at the moment. The conclusion being - Megan, it is time to take back control and get yourself sorted out! You deserve to feel as happy in your body as you are with the rest of your life.
Even writing that, highlights to me one vital change from every other time that I have started to lose weight. In the past, it has very much been a 'if I lose weight, everything will sort itself out and I will be happy' and then I lost weight.... and everything wasn't okay and I wasn't happy. So, I would give up and lose interest and motivation and I'd put weight back on.
Now, when I actually think about it. I am very happy with myself. I love my career, I have an amazing partner who loves me regardless of how big I am or what clothes I can or can't fit into. I have finally realised that the happiness that I feel within myself has very little to do with the number on a scale. I can now appreciate just how lucky I am and what a fab life I have. I know that I would feel more comfortable in myself if I was slightly smaller and slightly fitter but it doesn't directly impact the person that I am or the happiness in my life now. So, that was a big positive step for me.
On to these 'warning' signs! I got home from a very lovely holiday in Croatia with Martin, and although we had had a wonderful time, I have a gorgeous tan, lovely natural highlights, I was very aware of my tummy in all the photos we had taken when we were out there. I had noticed, whilst on the beach, that I was one of very few women in a bikini. Now, there were women bigger and smaller than me in a bikini and I am in no way saying that larger women should not be in a two piece. Quite the opposite, they should wear whatever the hell they are comfortable in. But that was the problem, I really wasn't comfortable exposing my large, wobbly belly on the beach! For me, that is a terrifying concept, to show off the part of me I really dislike was a big no-no! I looked at women all over the beach of each shape and height and really envied them and their comfort in their own bodies!
The second warning sign was a really tough one for me to get over! It was pretty embarrassing really. Martin and I went away for a mini break up to Stratford-upon-Avon for his birthday over the weekend, which was so lovely! However, on the second to last day, I was getting dressed and realised that all the t-shirts I had packed were a little on the tight side... the moment when you have to ask your boyfriend to lend you some clothes because yours don't fit. I felt so uncomfortable in my own body, even in front of my boyfriend, to not be able to wear my own clothes!
The third sign was soul destroying. I don't know about other women, but I have a go to dress that is lovely and I feel beautiful in - and it has ALWAYS fit me, even when I've put on weight. Well, I wanted to wear it to a wedding reception recently and surprise surprise, it didn't fit me. Not even close to fitting me! At that point, I really couldn't ignore the fact that I had reached a point where things needed to change and fast.
I actually started writing this blog a month ago. I then started teaching and life got mental! I haven't had a chance to sit down and finish this blog since August. I have also been finding it really difficult to get exercise into my routine with the amount of work I'm doing as a trainee teacher. It's really tough to get to the gym when I don't leave work until nearly 6 most days and get into work by 7:15 every morning. I know it's an excuse but it is really tough - when you're shattered after teaching all day long, the last thing you want to do is hit the gym.
I know I have to do it. I really want to do it. I had three gym classes planned this week and I physically couldn't get to any of them because, each evening, I had so much to do for work the next day. I also know that there needs to be a balance in life, work and 'play'. I really miss working out, the endorphin rush, the sweat, the ache in my muscles when I've pushed really hard! I miss that. I really want to get back into the mindset where I enjoy exercise.
So, in the last month, I've only lost a pound. Luckily, I haven't put anything on. My diet has been good with a few cheat days (but sometimes a girl has got to eat cake) and I've been feeling really healthy... just not getting any exercise in. I know that if I start to hit the exercise, the weight will start to come off especially as I'm not putting on any weight with my diet the way that it is. I just need to up my calorie burn and the weight will come off.
It's Martin and I's first anniversary on Halloween and I'm going to use that as a deadline. Next year, on our 2nd anniversary, I want to be at least 50lbs lighter. 50lbs closer to my goal weight. This morning, when I got on the scale, I was 237lbs (a horrendously embarrassing number) but this time next year - when I hit my goal - I will be at 187. That's nearly the weight I was at when I was at my fittest, playing rugby and training for at least 10 hours a week. I know that it's possible for me to get there - I've been there before. When I was 180lbs, I felt so confident, so happy in my body, I could wear whatever I wanted without having to scrutinise my body in front of a mirror before I left to go out anywhere. I didn't have to panic that something I wanted to wear wouldn't fit me or that I'd have to have a back up outfit ready just in case the one I wanted to wear wouldn't look right because of the way if fit my body.
I cannot wait to the back in that place again!
So I'm giving myself a year (okay, a year and a month) to get back to where I want to be. Hopefully, 50lbs lost or more. I'd really like people to support me, and to keep me accountable so if you want to comment, please do! Any and all encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
I'll update soon with how I'm getting on, I hope to post once a week (every Friday, once I've been on the scale but with work the way it is, that may not be possible).
Wish me luck!!
