First of all, I just want to say thank you! I couldn't believe how many views/reads that my last post got. Huge thanks to those of you who commented. Your support and encouragement is such great motivation for me! I hope you will continue to enjoy following me on my journey.
So, yesterday was weigh in day and I was really excited to see what I'd achieved. I knew that I'd been on plan this week so was hoping for big things! I lost 3lbs.... que mini celebration dance. Apparently, when you are on slimming world and stick to plan, you lose weight. Who knew?!
Feeling really motivated after my great loss and because I am now on summer holidays, I decided to go for a swim this morning. It has been way too long since I got into the pool - probably more than 6 months. Swimming is something that I love to do, it is my zen time. The pool is where I manage to get all my thoughts in order and sort out anything that is bothering me, whilst doing a little body magic and getting some toning done.
Usually, or should I say when I'm swimming regularly and have some level of physical fitness, I can swim a mile (64 lengths) in just over half an hour without question. Today was a different kettle of fish entirely. It hurt. It was hard. I had to really focus on my rhythm and my breathing - my body wasn't used to the breathing pattern I usually swim with, I was struggling to stay under the water as long I normally do. I had to shorten my stroke pattern so that I could breathe. My shoulders ached from the rotation, my kick was off. When I broke the surface or turned at the end of the lane, my face was actually hot out of the water - a sensation I am not used to. I felt so out of control, it was such a different feeling being in the pool out of practise than being in it when I can fly through the water and feel totally at one with the water. Today I was fighting it. (I realise that this sounds very zen and over dramatic but it's the best way I can describe how I was feeling this morning.)
The whole time I was swimming, I was thinking about this week and how I was proud of the successes I had made. I was thinking about how I'd managed to take back control from food demons, stay focused one meal at a time, not thinking about anything more than that, just making sure that one meal at a time I made it through the week on plan. Whilst I was thinking about one meal at a time, I was telling myself, just one more length - you can handle one more length. So I kept swimming, one length at a time and kept reflecting on my week.
I'd felt so out of control over the last month, with all the engangement celebtraions, half term, feeling unwell, being busy at work with the end of term rush..... all these things that forced me to be out of control. Then I thought about this week - I'd been to a family BBQ, it had been the end of term, I'd been to my new school for swap day where there was lots of cake and other goodies to say well done for the year and good luck for swap day. I'd been rushed - not able to always prepare meals in advance.... and I'd still lost 3lbs. How had I managed to stay in control this week and not over the last month when I had been just as busy?
That's when it hit me - Control is not a person who lives inside your head and decides to work some days and not others. Control is not something that works for you or lets you down. You are the control and chose when you want to use it. I could have decided not to indulge over the month where I was seeing friends and family who wanted to celebrate our special news. I could have chosen to not stay off plan for an extra day here or there because I'd already ruined my week. It was all my decision. This week I decided to stay in control - to embrace it, to enjoy it and to feel damn well proud of the control that I had. It felt so good to be able to go out and socialise and know that I was still sticking to plan, enjoying what I was eating and not feeling deprived even though those around me were indulging far more than I was.
If there is someone reading this today that is feeling out of control, or that they don't know how to get it back here are a few things that have helped me that you could think about.
1) Take it one meal at a time. One hour at a time if you have to. Stay in control where you can and really celebrate it when you do (but not with food/booze, as that kind of defeats the point - trust me, I could have so easily ordered a MASSIVE pizza last night to celebrate my weight loss but I know I would have felt so frustrated at myself afterwards for it).
2) Stop doubting. One really big barrier for me is all the previous times I have tried to lose weight, keep it off and failed. Why is this time any different? Why should I be successful this time? There is often a little voice in the back of my head telling me that I can't do it. That I will never be where I want to be, that I will never be beautiful. That I will never reach my goals. This week I told that voice to take a running jump of a cliff - I do not and will not let my disordered mind take over. My food addicted, self loathing, body hating 15 year old self stills lives inside my head - she probably always will but I know now that she is a part of my past. Instead of doubting youself, affirm yourself. Whatever works for you. Write affirmations on a mirror. Have them as the background on your phone. Stick them on your fridge door! Tell yourself what it is you really need to hear - not what the doubting voice inside is telling you.
You are a rockstar! You are awesome! You are powerful! You are strong! Whatever it is you want to feel, tell yourself that you are that - you deserve to feel empowered by yourself. Stop tearing yourself down and build yourself up instead.
3) Find a goal! This week, whenever I have wanted to cheat, or have that extra syn or go off plan - I've gone to my phone and looked at all of the pictures of wedding dresses I'm going to go and try on in few months. All of a sudden, that biscuit or piece of toast or whatever it was didn't seem so appealing - that wedding dress and the way I feel in it on the day I become Mrs Cooper is SO much more important than a piece of toast because I'm bored.
All of that happened in my head in 25mins!
I'm off on holiday for 2 weeks camping on Monday morning and I have a busy weekend of socialising ahead, so I will be arming myself with will power, determination and diet coke! We are catering for ourselves when we go away so that will help us stay more in control of what we eat but I'm sure there will be a few treats along the way. We are on holiday after all.
Remember - anyone out there feeling lost, or out of control - take a deep breath and start with one meal. Once that is out the way, you can think about the next meal. But start with one meal and be proud of yourself for taking the first step. I know you can do this!
Check in with you all soon,
Megan :) xx
