If you have read this blog, or known me, for any length of time, you will know that I have been battling with my weight for probably the last 7/8 years in the sense that I want to lose it and am finding it really difficult.
Over the many years, I have tried lots of different things to try and get there. 5:2 diet, Weight Watchers, Slimming World, Fasting, Starvation, self punishment for days where I over ate, vigorous over exercise (whilst still eating horrendously).... the list goes on. I always gave up. Either I didn't see the change fast enough, or I made excuses like I don't have the time, I don't have the money, I'm fine the way I am..... All the excuses and the only person I was screwing over was myself.
I know this won't be easy but this time, I am not giving up!
In the run up to my wedding and honeymoon, I was pretty good so that I felt good in my wedding dress and to be honest, I felt amazing on my wedding day and I love the photos of my dress. I don't see a fat girl in a dress - and usually I would be fulling photos of me apart, going over every little flaw.
But on the honeymoon, I indulged to the max and loved every minute of it. I am now the heaviest I've been in a long time and probably nearly the heaviest I have ever been. For health reasons and because Martin and I want to start trying for a family pretty soon, I know that I need to get my weight under control. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin but I also want to make sure that I am the healthiest/fittest I can be for when I start growing a human!!
So, in this day and age, where else would I go to do some research..... social media obviously. I have been following lots of women and their fitness journeys and seen some of them take on the 80 Day Obsession challenge. I messaged a few of them for some more details and got chatting to one amazing women quite regularly. I decided that after the honeymoon, I wanted to give it a try. So, she became my coach and I started the challenge....
What I love is that you can do them all inside your own home! No running out to the gym, no trying to fit travel to the gym around busy work schedule! Which is perfect, especially when term gets busy.
There is quite a bit to wrap your head around - one half of the program is all about timed nutrition. That is where I need to make sure that I am on point. Fitting in the correct meals at the correct times and around exercise.
Week 1 has been fantastic. I'm really grateful that I'm still on school holidays so I have had a lot of time to get my head around the nutrition plan and tried to fit my meals in the best way that I can. I've been looking at different recipes too, really excited to try them out!
I can't wait to see where this adventure takes me. 73 days to go!!!
Holiday Vibes
Sunday 26 August 2018
Wednesday 15 August 2018
After the celebrations..... Comes a whole lot of debt!
This post has been a few months in the making - so bare with me. I started writing it in May and have added to it over the last few months as things have changed and developed along the way.
When Martin and I first got engaged, we thought we would be able to keep the costs of our wedding low. We did a lot of the leg work ourselves and our families were AMAZING! They paid for some of the big stuff and A LOT of the small stuff. They made things, they searched the cheapest deals for various bits and bobs so that we didn't start our married life completely bankrupt.
Martin and I made the decision that we wanted to go all out for our honeymoon... well, because that's what you do, right? Right decision. We had the most amazing time. All inclusive, 10 nights, 5 star resort - we will never regret that decision but it did come with a big price tag that we now have to deal with.
However, we booked the honeymoon in January rather naively forgetting all the other wedding expenses that would mount up from then until the wedding, along with the monthly payments for the holiday. £300 on table centres..... sure!! £400 on party favours..... yep, go ahead!
Having spoken to other couples, it seems like it's a solid pattern that as the day approaches, the budget you planned flies out of the window as you buy things to make your day absolutely perfect. More outdoor lighting, more booze, extra of this and that just to make sure you don't run out. (Our venue didn't have a license to sell alcohol so we stocked the bar ourselves with the help of my parents and sister)..... and stocked it so well that we brought the left overs home and now have a sizable drinks cabinet!
When I started this blog entry in May, it was because I was completely overwhelmed with the amount of credit card debt I had.... still with over £2000 to pay off on the honeymoon and 2 months to go until the wedding (meaning quite a lot left still to buy and day to day living costs).
So, on May 20th I started this blog and started to plan paying all this debt off......
CC 1 (0% interest) - £2,612.79
CC 2 (0% interest) - £2,152.70
CC 3 - £2,103.63
Outstanding Honeymoon Balance - £2,307.22
Total Debt (on 20/5/18) - £9,176.34 (a really scary number which seems like a ridiculous amount to have to pay back before we can really think about saving for a house!)
We expected to have some debt coming out of the wedding and the fact that we have managed to keep it (just) under £10,000 for a wedding and a honeymoon actually wasn't too bad..... the fact that we had to put the majority of our wedding spending onto credit cards because of the speed in which we organised the wedding, has meant that almost all of my debt has appeared in the last 13 months.
We got engaged in June 2017 and got married in July 2018.... we planned and payed for our entire wedding and honeymoon in basically 12 months..... so actually not too bad considering but now, it's time to pay it off.
I have changed all my credit card repayments to the minimum monthly repayment amount (to make sure that I still have enough money going into my current account to pay for rent and bills). Once rent and bills have been payed for each month from now on, I will be making CC 3 the priority as it is gaining interest and both my other cards are not. I will be making extra payments onto the CC 3 whilst the other 2 cards just have the minimum payment coming off each month. Once CC 3 is cleared, I will then look at my other credit cards and prioritise which ever has the lowest amount left to pay and make extra payments onto that one.
I will sort of be following the Debt Avalanche model (thank you Pinterest) by prioritising the loan with the highest interest and getting it paid off as quickly as possible as well as paying off the minimum amount on other debts. This should allow me to pay off my debt quicker and pay less interest over all.
So, for now, my accounts are set up ready to go with steady repayments and I hanging on for payday so that I can breathe a little easier for the month of June.
June 2nd (After Pay Day)
CC 1 (0% interest) - £2,612.79
CC 2 (0% interest) - £2,131.17
CC 3 - £2,500.49
Outstanding Honeymoon Balance - £760.27
Total debt (on 31/5/18) - £8,009.72
I paid off £600 on my CC 3 but another installment of the honeymoon so that's why the number is still high. I got SUPER lucky this week though and won £500 on tombola arcade so that has gone straight to the honeymoon meaning that the final installment onto my credit card at the end of June will only be £760 instead of the £1200 it was meant to be. I couldn't believe it and £500 makes a big difference when you are strapped for cash like I am. I finally feel like the end is in sight though - I only have one (effectively half of one) installment left to go on the honeymoon, we don't really have anything left to buy for the wedding and every weekend in June we are volunteering at Cub/Beaver events so no spending for me which will really really help to keep costs down this month.
I'm really tired of being so stressed about money but I finally think we are starting to climb out of the worst of it!
June 5th
CC 1 (0% interest) - £2,612.79
CC 2 (0% interest) - £2,131.17
CC 3 - £3,260.76
Outstanding Honeymoon Balance - £0.00
Total debt (on 31/5/18) - £8,009.72
We had a look at our cards and our outstanding balance and made the decision to pay the final installment onto the credit card early. This should mean that any money left over from May paycheck and June can go towards clearing credit cards in the knowledge that the honeymoon is now totally paid for! This is a fantastic feeling! Knowing that one less payment is going out every month and it was a BIG installment every month. TOTALLY worth it because the honeymoon is exactly what we want but I think we were wishing we booked it a little earlier than we did to spread those installments out!
Still - 1 out of 4 outstanding balances say £0.00 and that is something to celebrate!
August 15th
CC 1 (0% interest) - £2,501.99
CC 2 (0% interest) - £2,088.76
CC 3 - £1,514.37
Total debt - £6,105.12
Inevitably, in the final run up to the wedding, CC 3 took a pounding and instead of paying it off, we had to charge things on it. I'm actually not sure what the highest figure on it was as I became less diligent in watching my balance (my focus was sort of distracted with the big white dress and everything.)
This is where our AMAZING friends came to the rescue! For our wedding list, we set up a honeymoon fund and we were blown away by how generous all of our friends were. We were able to withdraw £4,445 from our honeymoon account which meant that we could immediately pay off £2,900 on CC 3. We kept some of the money to use whilst on honeymoon and for the rest of our summer together. This means that CC 3 now has the lowest amount of money it has had on it in about 9 months. This is a fantastic feeling.
Now that the wedding and the honeymoon are over, we can actually go back to a normal level of expenditure which means that my repayments can actually go up - clearing it even faster. Still going to focus on clearing CC 3, as it's the one that has interest charges where as the other 2 are just ticking away on their minimum balances which is fine for now.
So that is where we are now. Having cleared £3,000 of debt since starting the blog is awesome. Now, I just need to keep chipping away at it. I know it won't be a quick process... but we'll get there.
When Martin and I first got engaged, we thought we would be able to keep the costs of our wedding low. We did a lot of the leg work ourselves and our families were AMAZING! They paid for some of the big stuff and A LOT of the small stuff. They made things, they searched the cheapest deals for various bits and bobs so that we didn't start our married life completely bankrupt.
Martin and I made the decision that we wanted to go all out for our honeymoon... well, because that's what you do, right? Right decision. We had the most amazing time. All inclusive, 10 nights, 5 star resort - we will never regret that decision but it did come with a big price tag that we now have to deal with.
However, we booked the honeymoon in January rather naively forgetting all the other wedding expenses that would mount up from then until the wedding, along with the monthly payments for the holiday. £300 on table centres..... sure!! £400 on party favours..... yep, go ahead!
Having spoken to other couples, it seems like it's a solid pattern that as the day approaches, the budget you planned flies out of the window as you buy things to make your day absolutely perfect. More outdoor lighting, more booze, extra of this and that just to make sure you don't run out. (Our venue didn't have a license to sell alcohol so we stocked the bar ourselves with the help of my parents and sister)..... and stocked it so well that we brought the left overs home and now have a sizable drinks cabinet!
When I started this blog entry in May, it was because I was completely overwhelmed with the amount of credit card debt I had.... still with over £2000 to pay off on the honeymoon and 2 months to go until the wedding (meaning quite a lot left still to buy and day to day living costs).
So, on May 20th I started this blog and started to plan paying all this debt off......
CC 1 (0% interest) - £2,612.79
CC 2 (0% interest) - £2,152.70
CC 3 - £2,103.63
Outstanding Honeymoon Balance - £2,307.22
Total Debt (on 20/5/18) - £9,176.34 (a really scary number which seems like a ridiculous amount to have to pay back before we can really think about saving for a house!)
We expected to have some debt coming out of the wedding and the fact that we have managed to keep it (just) under £10,000 for a wedding and a honeymoon actually wasn't too bad..... the fact that we had to put the majority of our wedding spending onto credit cards because of the speed in which we organised the wedding, has meant that almost all of my debt has appeared in the last 13 months.
We got engaged in June 2017 and got married in July 2018.... we planned and payed for our entire wedding and honeymoon in basically 12 months..... so actually not too bad considering but now, it's time to pay it off.
I have changed all my credit card repayments to the minimum monthly repayment amount (to make sure that I still have enough money going into my current account to pay for rent and bills). Once rent and bills have been payed for each month from now on, I will be making CC 3 the priority as it is gaining interest and both my other cards are not. I will be making extra payments onto the CC 3 whilst the other 2 cards just have the minimum payment coming off each month. Once CC 3 is cleared, I will then look at my other credit cards and prioritise which ever has the lowest amount left to pay and make extra payments onto that one.
I will sort of be following the Debt Avalanche model (thank you Pinterest) by prioritising the loan with the highest interest and getting it paid off as quickly as possible as well as paying off the minimum amount on other debts. This should allow me to pay off my debt quicker and pay less interest over all.
So, for now, my accounts are set up ready to go with steady repayments and I hanging on for payday so that I can breathe a little easier for the month of June.
June 2nd (After Pay Day)
CC 1 (0% interest) - £2,612.79
CC 2 (0% interest) - £2,131.17
CC 3 - £2,500.49
Outstanding Honeymoon Balance - £760.27
Total debt (on 31/5/18) - £8,009.72
I paid off £600 on my CC 3 but another installment of the honeymoon so that's why the number is still high. I got SUPER lucky this week though and won £500 on tombola arcade so that has gone straight to the honeymoon meaning that the final installment onto my credit card at the end of June will only be £760 instead of the £1200 it was meant to be. I couldn't believe it and £500 makes a big difference when you are strapped for cash like I am. I finally feel like the end is in sight though - I only have one (effectively half of one) installment left to go on the honeymoon, we don't really have anything left to buy for the wedding and every weekend in June we are volunteering at Cub/Beaver events so no spending for me which will really really help to keep costs down this month.
I'm really tired of being so stressed about money but I finally think we are starting to climb out of the worst of it!
June 5th
CC 1 (0% interest) - £2,612.79
CC 2 (0% interest) - £2,131.17
CC 3 - £3,260.76
Outstanding Honeymoon Balance - £0.00
Total debt (on 31/5/18) - £8,009.72
We had a look at our cards and our outstanding balance and made the decision to pay the final installment onto the credit card early. This should mean that any money left over from May paycheck and June can go towards clearing credit cards in the knowledge that the honeymoon is now totally paid for! This is a fantastic feeling! Knowing that one less payment is going out every month and it was a BIG installment every month. TOTALLY worth it because the honeymoon is exactly what we want but I think we were wishing we booked it a little earlier than we did to spread those installments out!
Still - 1 out of 4 outstanding balances say £0.00 and that is something to celebrate!
August 15th
CC 1 (0% interest) - £2,501.99
CC 2 (0% interest) - £2,088.76
CC 3 - £1,514.37
Total debt - £6,105.12
Inevitably, in the final run up to the wedding, CC 3 took a pounding and instead of paying it off, we had to charge things on it. I'm actually not sure what the highest figure on it was as I became less diligent in watching my balance (my focus was sort of distracted with the big white dress and everything.)
This is where our AMAZING friends came to the rescue! For our wedding list, we set up a honeymoon fund and we were blown away by how generous all of our friends were. We were able to withdraw £4,445 from our honeymoon account which meant that we could immediately pay off £2,900 on CC 3. We kept some of the money to use whilst on honeymoon and for the rest of our summer together. This means that CC 3 now has the lowest amount of money it has had on it in about 9 months. This is a fantastic feeling.
Now that the wedding and the honeymoon are over, we can actually go back to a normal level of expenditure which means that my repayments can actually go up - clearing it even faster. Still going to focus on clearing CC 3, as it's the one that has interest charges where as the other 2 are just ticking away on their minimum balances which is fine for now.
So that is where we are now. Having cleared £3,000 of debt since starting the blog is awesome. Now, I just need to keep chipping away at it. I know it won't be a quick process... but we'll get there.
Monday 11 June 2018
Separation anxiety in adults is real.... and it sucks!
I've been wanting to write a piece on this for a while now but it's taken some time to get up the courage to post it. So, good vibes only.
And just a small disclaimer that this post is based on my personal experience of Separation Anxiety only, and does not cover all symptoms/diagnoses or experiences.
Here goes....
When I was a child, I did not struggle with any sort of separation anxiety at all. I was never brilliant with goodbyes but many children struggle with that, it was nothing out of the ordinary. As a young adult, I was confident to leave the house, be away from my family, moved 250 miles away for university without a second thought. I didn't show any signs of any sort of separation anxiety at all!
If I am totally honest, I didn't even really know that adults could suffer from separation anxiety until I started presenting symptoms of it and becoming pretty unwell.
As I said, I can only base this on my experience and what I have read but for me, I can trace my anxiety back to a definite 'trauma point' when I started to experience really aggressive outbursts, rage, depression, intense jealousy and overwhelming anxiety in waves and cycles that was exhausting.
Martin went to Dallas for 10 days to watch Wrestlemania during the Easter holidays of 2016. Over that 10 days, I experienced one of the worst bouts of depression I can remember going through. I was just flat and vacant. I spent almost 4 days in bed with the curtains drawn, not sleeping, not eating, just panicking about what might be going on in Dallas. My mind created endless worst case scenarios that played on a loop in my head and even text messages from Martin didn't help. If anything, they made it worse, when he text I would become immediately, irrationally angry. I mean red mist furious, and unexplicably jealous of him being away, of him having fun without me, of him enjoying something that I had no way of being a part of..... and then I would feel so alone and sad and empty and guilty for my horrendous outbursts.
It wasn't until about a year later that I discovered that everything I has experienced were very common adults expressions of separation anxiety.
By definition separation anxiety, at its extreme levels, may be quite noticeable. Those with an overwhelming attachment to a close relative to the point where they cannot leave their side without experiencing a panic attack are very likely to be suffering from separation anxiety.
Now, I have never been this bad. I can leave Martin without having a panic attack. I can go to work, see family, go to the gym without really thinking about it. But there are certain situations where my anxiety takes over and can be very overwhelming.
I have definitely suffered many of the symptoms below, typical of those who suffer with ASAD (Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder)
This is something that is really hard to explain to people who have no experience of mental health issues. When I am in my rational mind, my day to day, everything is fine head, I know that I am being unfair and ridiculous. I also know that Martin is not going to leave me because we are getting married and we love each other and I trust him.
But when the panic sets in, it can be impossible to ignore the voices that take over inside my head. It can be a horrible, overwhelming, disorientating experience when a panic attack really takes hold and there isn't a lot anyone can do when it starts to take hold.
Martin has sat beside me on more than one occasion as I've gone through one and not been able to do anything but hold me until it passes.
Excessive worry about losing these figures.
Anxious, "worst case scenario" thinking about separation.
For me, these two go hand in hand. I am a real worse case scenario, what if worrier. When if an anxious frame of mind, especially if the separation has come out of the blue, like an unplanned 'oh, I'm off down the pub' when I haven't been given any notice of him going out, I will spend hours imagining the worst things that could happen to Martin or to me when we are apart. things including getting hurt, getting lost, kidnapping, getting caught in a terrorist attack, accidents... all sorts! It's exhausting and scary and once it starts, completely uncontrollable.
Trouble sleeping when away from a specific person.
This is so true. When we are apart, I really struggle to sleep. Even if I'm at home in our bed, I found it really tough to sleep without Martin next to me.
Since working out where my anxiety started, I have been able to try and control it to some extent with little routines that I have put it place when Martin goes out. I try to spend the time on self care now, so I'll paint my nails, wash my hair, spend time working on mindfulness colouring, meditate. Just spend time working on me and looking after me so that I'm not obsessing over the fact that Martin is away.
Martin has been amazing too, trying to make sure that he gives me lots of notice if he has plans so that I can either make plans of my own or make sure I have something to do at home to keep me busy - cue self care plans!
The actual anxiety attack is really hard to explain because I know how irrational it is but it's not something you can control.... and depending on how it comes I might become really angry and agitated and aggressive (my least favourite, because I don't feel anything like myself when that happens) or I become really low and despondent and almost shut down.... which can also be scary because I become really detached from the world around me and that harks back to other mental health issues that I have battled and beaten before.
I don't really know how all of that is going to come across to all of you reading this but this is something that is really close to my heart and something that I feel should have it's awareness raised.
I have been aware of my separation anxiety for about a year now but haven't really started speaking about it until the last few months because, basically, I feel really nervous that people would either tell me that I was being ridiculous and that it would colour their opinion of me. I don't want people to think that I'm a crazy, unstable person. I also suppose that I know how I think about myself for how I behave during an anxiety attack and I assume that other people will judge me the same or worse so it has sometimes been easier not to say anything and risk upsetting people.
In today's society, I think it is so important to embrace and accept other people's stories and experiences because you really don't know what is going in someone's head. Everyone is fighting their own battle and who are we to judge if someone else's is more or less than yours.
I hope that this blog post helps someone reading it to have the courage to speak up about something in their life that they are hiding. Since I started sharing my anxiety with friends and family, it has become so much easier to handle. I have been able to reach out to people when I felt the anxiety taking hold and not had to deal with it alone.
I think I just wanted to speak out about it. There is still so much stigma around mental health and actually feels really good share it. Who knows, maybe there is someone that is given courage or confidence from this post.
And just a small disclaimer that this post is based on my personal experience of Separation Anxiety only, and does not cover all symptoms/diagnoses or experiences.
Here goes....
When I was a child, I did not struggle with any sort of separation anxiety at all. I was never brilliant with goodbyes but many children struggle with that, it was nothing out of the ordinary. As a young adult, I was confident to leave the house, be away from my family, moved 250 miles away for university without a second thought. I didn't show any signs of any sort of separation anxiety at all!
If I am totally honest, I didn't even really know that adults could suffer from separation anxiety until I started presenting symptoms of it and becoming pretty unwell.
As I said, I can only base this on my experience and what I have read but for me, I can trace my anxiety back to a definite 'trauma point' when I started to experience really aggressive outbursts, rage, depression, intense jealousy and overwhelming anxiety in waves and cycles that was exhausting.
Martin went to Dallas for 10 days to watch Wrestlemania during the Easter holidays of 2016. Over that 10 days, I experienced one of the worst bouts of depression I can remember going through. I was just flat and vacant. I spent almost 4 days in bed with the curtains drawn, not sleeping, not eating, just panicking about what might be going on in Dallas. My mind created endless worst case scenarios that played on a loop in my head and even text messages from Martin didn't help. If anything, they made it worse, when he text I would become immediately, irrationally angry. I mean red mist furious, and unexplicably jealous of him being away, of him having fun without me, of him enjoying something that I had no way of being a part of..... and then I would feel so alone and sad and empty and guilty for my horrendous outbursts.
It wasn't until about a year later that I discovered that everything I has experienced were very common adults expressions of separation anxiety.
By definition separation anxiety, at its extreme levels, may be quite noticeable. Those with an overwhelming attachment to a close relative to the point where they cannot leave their side without experiencing a panic attack are very likely to be suffering from separation anxiety.
Now, I have never been this bad. I can leave Martin without having a panic attack. I can go to work, see family, go to the gym without really thinking about it. But there are certain situations where my anxiety takes over and can be very overwhelming.
I have definitely suffered many of the symptoms below, typical of those who suffer with ASAD (Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder)
Extreme Jealousy -
Sometimes even just jealousy at the fact that Martin is out without me. Regardless of who he is with, I just get ridiculously jealous. A quality that makes me feel very ashamed of myself.
Researchers say that "some forms of deep jealousy may be due to separation anxiety, where the individual becomes far less trusting because they're subconsciously worried that someone will leave them. This is especially true if the jealousy is accompanied by anxious thoughts, such as a fear of being alone or irrational concerns about infidelity."
This is me at my most irrational. In a nutshell. Something I am not proud of, but when I am in the midst of an anxiety attack, I often convince myself that Martin is going to leave me.
But when the panic sets in, it can be impossible to ignore the voices that take over inside my head. It can be a horrible, overwhelming, disorientating experience when a panic attack really takes hold and there isn't a lot anyone can do when it starts to take hold.
Martin has sat beside me on more than one occasion as I've gone through one and not been able to do anything but hold me until it passes.
Excessive worry about losing these figures.
Anxious, "worst case scenario" thinking about separation.
For me, these two go hand in hand. I am a real worse case scenario, what if worrier. When if an anxious frame of mind, especially if the separation has come out of the blue, like an unplanned 'oh, I'm off down the pub' when I haven't been given any notice of him going out, I will spend hours imagining the worst things that could happen to Martin or to me when we are apart. things including getting hurt, getting lost, kidnapping, getting caught in a terrorist attack, accidents... all sorts! It's exhausting and scary and once it starts, completely uncontrollable.
Trouble sleeping when away from a specific person.
This is so true. When we are apart, I really struggle to sleep. Even if I'm at home in our bed, I found it really tough to sleep without Martin next to me.
Since working out where my anxiety started, I have been able to try and control it to some extent with little routines that I have put it place when Martin goes out. I try to spend the time on self care now, so I'll paint my nails, wash my hair, spend time working on mindfulness colouring, meditate. Just spend time working on me and looking after me so that I'm not obsessing over the fact that Martin is away.
Martin has been amazing too, trying to make sure that he gives me lots of notice if he has plans so that I can either make plans of my own or make sure I have something to do at home to keep me busy - cue self care plans!
The actual anxiety attack is really hard to explain because I know how irrational it is but it's not something you can control.... and depending on how it comes I might become really angry and agitated and aggressive (my least favourite, because I don't feel anything like myself when that happens) or I become really low and despondent and almost shut down.... which can also be scary because I become really detached from the world around me and that harks back to other mental health issues that I have battled and beaten before.
I don't really know how all of that is going to come across to all of you reading this but this is something that is really close to my heart and something that I feel should have it's awareness raised.
I have been aware of my separation anxiety for about a year now but haven't really started speaking about it until the last few months because, basically, I feel really nervous that people would either tell me that I was being ridiculous and that it would colour their opinion of me. I don't want people to think that I'm a crazy, unstable person. I also suppose that I know how I think about myself for how I behave during an anxiety attack and I assume that other people will judge me the same or worse so it has sometimes been easier not to say anything and risk upsetting people.
In today's society, I think it is so important to embrace and accept other people's stories and experiences because you really don't know what is going in someone's head. Everyone is fighting their own battle and who are we to judge if someone else's is more or less than yours.
I hope that this blog post helps someone reading it to have the courage to speak up about something in their life that they are hiding. Since I started sharing my anxiety with friends and family, it has become so much easier to handle. I have been able to reach out to people when I felt the anxiety taking hold and not had to deal with it alone.
I think I just wanted to speak out about it. There is still so much stigma around mental health and actually feels really good share it. Who knows, maybe there is someone that is given courage or confidence from this post.
Sunday 20 May 2018
Things They Never Tell You You'll Learn On Your School Direct Year
I've now nearly finished my NQT year and have just come across this blog in my draft folder. This is something I started to put together at the end of last year, when I was finishing my training and most of these are still true as an NQT - althought you know they are coming after a year as a School Direct student.
You can never go to toiler.... ever.
As a teacher, you have to train your bladder to be as strong as steel. You can't just up and leave a classroom full of 30 children whenever you feel like it. Teachers look forward to weekends and holidays, when they can go when they like! At school, it's 8:30am and 3:30pm.... and lunch time if your lucky! Bladders of steel!
You can never go to toiler.... ever.
As a teacher, you have to train your bladder to be as strong as steel. You can't just up and leave a classroom full of 30 children whenever you feel like it. Teachers look forward to weekends and holidays, when they can go when they like! At school, it's 8:30am and 3:30pm.... and lunch time if your lucky! Bladders of steel!
Your social life will vanish.
Week nights are spent marking, planning, sleeping or rocking in a corner. Talking to your family is a gold dust moment that usually involves a glass of wine, a rant and a box of tissues. Weekends are all about catching up life admin like laundry, food shops and eating something other than much needed chocolate or cake.
Week nights are spent marking, planning, sleeping or rocking in a corner. Talking to your family is a gold dust moment that usually involves a glass of wine, a rant and a box of tissues. Weekends are all about catching up life admin like laundry, food shops and eating something other than much needed chocolate or cake.
School is never just 9am - 3pm
You get in at 7:30am and don't normally leave until 5:30pm.... and then take work home with you to complete. Lesson plans, marking, keeping your Student File up to date.... being a teacher, you never get to the bottom of your To Do List. Something I found really hard to deal with as a student, I love to get a job finished and I had to learn really quickly that in my chosen career.... that just wasn't going to happen.
You get in at 7:30am and don't normally leave until 5:30pm.... and then take work home with you to complete. Lesson plans, marking, keeping your Student File up to date.... being a teacher, you never get to the bottom of your To Do List. Something I found really hard to deal with as a student, I love to get a job finished and I had to learn really quickly that in my chosen career.... that just wasn't going to happen.
Chocolate is always necessary
Always. In varying quantities depending on how the day is going. It can be celebratory, stress relieving, commiserating.... but it is ALWAYS necessary. Luckily enough, there is nearly always some in the staff room to snack on.
Always. In varying quantities depending on how the day is going. It can be celebratory, stress relieving, commiserating.... but it is ALWAYS necessary. Luckily enough, there is nearly always some in the staff room to snack on.
Wine is your friend
See above....I would not have survived my training year without wine..... at points A LOT of wine.
See above....I would not have survived my training year without wine..... at points A LOT of wine.
Marking is the worst thing known to all man kind
It is a never ending, ever present, relentlessly boring landslide of crap..... until you read something that one your kids has done which blows you away.... at that point, it makes your entire week worth it.
It is a never ending, ever present, relentlessly boring landslide of crap..... until you read something that one your kids has done which blows you away.... at that point, it makes your entire week worth it.
You will be asleep before 9:30pm most Friday nights
I have never experienced complete exhaustion like I did the first term of my student year.... until the first term of my NQT year. I did not know that it was possible to be that mentally drained. The job is a constant learning curve which changes as soon as you think you are getting the hang of things. (Something that I am sure is not exclusive to teaching). Most weekends of my training year, I would get home on Friday and be completely unconscious by 9pm. The weeks were so full on that by the end of it - bed was the only option.
But after all that..... It is the best year of your life. (Until you o your NQT year)
After all the stress and tears and hard work, you qualify. You are officially allowed to teach. For me, I entered the career I had dreamed of since I was 16. It was worth it. It was crazy hard, but it was worth it.
That's not to say there are things I wouldn't have changed about it. That goes for my NQT year too. There are things about teaching which are getting harder, more expectations from the Government and Ofsted, which means more pressure on ALL schools and ALL teachers. But, from personal experience so far, it is worth it. When a child in my class finally has a breakthrough moment or a kid produces an amazing piece of work that they are so proud of.... it's an amazing thing to be a part of.
It's a bloody hard job. It takes over your evenings, your weekends, your holidays.... it can destroy your social life if you let it...... but it's one of the most rewarding things I think I could do as my career.
I can't wait for another academic year to start, to see where it takes me and to see what I learn from being an NQT +1.
After all the stress and tears and hard work, you qualify. You are officially allowed to teach. For me, I entered the career I had dreamed of since I was 16. It was worth it. It was crazy hard, but it was worth it.
That's not to say there are things I wouldn't have changed about it. That goes for my NQT year too. There are things about teaching which are getting harder, more expectations from the Government and Ofsted, which means more pressure on ALL schools and ALL teachers. But, from personal experience so far, it is worth it. When a child in my class finally has a breakthrough moment or a kid produces an amazing piece of work that they are so proud of.... it's an amazing thing to be a part of.
It's a bloody hard job. It takes over your evenings, your weekends, your holidays.... it can destroy your social life if you let it...... but it's one of the most rewarding things I think I could do as my career.
I can't wait for another academic year to start, to see where it takes me and to see what I learn from being an NQT +1.
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