I'm back from holiday - a few days early as the weather sucked the majority of the time and we ended up walking around on a mud bath! After a lovely, all be it wet, time away it's time to get back to business.
I've been feeling a bit stuck in a rut really. When I joined Slimming World, I was really determined - I lost 1st 8lbs steadily from January to April and was really happy with the progress. Things sort of stalled there and then through various circumstances that I've mentioned in previous blog posts, the weight loss stopped. I'm still there at 1st 8lbs and have bounced around it for months. I need to get back on track and some of the photos that were taken on this holiday have acted a bit of an incentive to do so.
Firstly, posting these photos is a difficult thing for me to do. It makes me feel very exposed and vulnerable so please be kind with your thoughts and comments. If there is something that you don't like when you see the pictures - please just close my blog instead of leaving something nasty in the comments. Thanks! :)
I really ummed and eerrred about posting these. It makes me feel very nervous but I don't want to hide parts of my journey. This is the stage I am at now. I read a blog whilst I was away that really inspired me too - it was all about loving your body at every stage of the journey and that is something that I am trying to do. My body is my body no matter what size it is or what the scale says so why should I abuse it with unkindness, displeasure and self hatred - things that I have asked others not to do and wouldn't ever treat anyone else. I don't want to go through the next steps of my journey hating myself all the way. I need to love the body that I have, treat it with the respect that it deserves so that I can get to my goals faster!
Although the weather was pretty naff on holiday, we did get to the beach for a few days. Whilst we were there, my fiance took these pictures of me reading. I would normally have criticised everything I could find wrong with the pictures and then delete them. But this time, I wanted it to be different. So I decided that I would blog them instead! Why not make it all totally public??
Then a funny thing happen. The more I actually looked at the pictures, I couldn't really find anything that I hated. I mean, there are still things I want to change about my body but I don't look anywhere near as awful as I thought I would. Then I started thinking about how I felt that day on the beach. It was a great day - the sun was out, the sound of the waves roaring across the sand was in the distance, I felt relaxed and calm. I have already come so far on my journey and I am proud of the steps that I have already taken to change the person that I am into the person that I want to be.
These photos gave me such a confidence boost that I actually treated myself to a new swimsuit for the next day on the beach. This is was a HUGE step for me as I would normally want to hide my body in black and cover up as much as possible. But I am celebrating my body and trying to believe that every step is beautiful.... so I bought this.....It's bright and patterned, halter neck and pretty much backless. I felt pretty nervous about trying it on but I was excited too. I wanted to see what I looked like in something a little more sexy.
I was really surprised to not feel repulsed by these pictures. I actually felt that I looked okay. Especially from the back, it's obviously not an angle that you normally see yourself from and I was really surprised to see how good my waist looks in this. Actually, from the back there is very little that I don't like about my body in this photo.... apart from the weird burn/tan lines that I have going on! Even from the front.... which I like less..... there isn't a lot that I can find fault with. I wish my thighs were smaller, and my stomach flatter but my boobs look great and my arms are getting all lean again! So, yes, I am loving my body at every stage....Then I found one last photo that Martin had taken by mistake as I reached for my phone back and that was where the wobble happened..... and this is the photo that makes me really anxious about posting this blog.... this photo was taken......
And wow! I almost lost it. That tiny waist I was just looking at was gone. My thunder thighs were back and my stomach was bulging about in line with my boobs which made me so embarrassed. I mean, is this what people see when they look at me on a daily basis? How can this be my body? How could I have let myself get so out of control that this is what I look like now.....?
I had to stop myself from bursting into tears and getting my maxi dress out of the bag to cover up. I went back to the first two photos and called back into my mind all the positive things I had said about myself. I reminded myself of how good I felt the day before lying on the beach reading, calm... at peace with myself.
So.... my stomach is not okay right out! I am not happy with it.... yet. But there are lots of things about my body that I am happy with. I know that my body has changed lots since January because of the weight that I have already lost. I know that I still have a lot of changing to do but that is okay.
I've got 84 days until I go wedding dress shopping, that's 84 days to make great choices with my food, my workouts and to work on my self love/worth so that when I step into those gowns and find the one that I'm going to wear on my wedding day I feel like a rock star. And I will. I will get to my target weight, I will feel and look amazing in my wedding dress and feel confident, proud and in control of eating addiction.
I might not be happy with where I am now but I am learning to love my body now so that I can love it more later on. I will keep fighting for my goals and acknowledging the progress that I make along the way.
Love your body now.
Accept you for who you are now.
Allows yourself to see the progress that you have already made and celebrate now.
Embrace the change that is still yet to come.
You are beautiful now...... whatever stage of your journey you are at.
Be kind to yourself
xx
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