I have stuggled with the way I look for years. I can look in the mirror and tear my reflection apart with criticism for the way that my body looks. I find it really difficult to find clothes that I like, clothes that do my body favours. When I look at myself, I don't see the beautiful bits first - I have to work really hard to find them after I've dissected every little thing wrong with my reflection.
At uni, things got a little better. I joined the women's rugby team and started training for at least 8 hours a week. I wasn't even thinking about what I was eating because I was training so much. My diet was horrendous and I drank way too much - but I still managed to drop to 180lbs. I felt great, I was confident, my body actually looked good and I didn't hate buying clothes because I could find stuff that I liked and that fit my body properly.
Then I busted my knee! For nearly 2 years, I could barely walk, let alone run or tackle someone. I gained a whole bunch of weight and went back to hating what I saw in the mirror. I am still there.
Nearly 2 years after my op, I am still a long way from liking what I see. It has taken me a long time to get back to training well, my eating habits have been less than brilliant and quite frankly... some days I just haven't been bothered to try. There are days where I feel like all my efforts are pointless and that it won't work, whatever I try.
A friend of mine is a personal trainer and a really good guy. He did some sessions with me once I was signed off of physio after my operation. It was a really good way to get back into my fitness - having a coach there to push me. There were many times when I was on the verge of throwing up all over his gym but he kept me going. Then I left uni and moved home, got a new job and had to work out to fit working out into a new routine.
He recently recommended the C9 programme to me, it's a detox and cleanse, that is designed to give your metabolism a reboot. It goes hand in hand with the F1 and F2 programmes - which are designed to continue the work started by C9 and aid further weight loss.
It's a little pricey but I had some extra money lying around at the end of the month and as the title of this post suggests, I'm rather desperate. So I thought I'd give it a go. Today is day 1 of the 9 day programme and it's going well so far. The first two days are a total cleanse - there is very little food involved and a lot of shakes and water and supplements to drink. It's got me going to the loo more than is socially acceptable but I'm at home alone so I think that's okay. You can eat veg on the detox. They are called free foods so I'm munching on some spring onions this afternoon as I'm quite peckish!
I don't really know what to expect from this programme but I'm hoping to drop a bit of weight and give my body a chance to reboot and get back on track with weight loss!
Upping my exercise regime again too and will be changing my diet after the detox is finished to a low card, high protein diet to start putting on some muscle for my triathlon.
I know it's all about little steps at a time but I'm finding things very frustrating at the moment.
Watch this space for updates of how the next 9 days go!
M xx
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